"I Wish" (feat. The Maes) by Julia Jacklin

Oh, the days, they were turning black
Could not believe the light would come back
Until it did, bit by bit
I remembered how to do it
I got through and I'll be fine
Still I wish someone had been there at the time

Oh, I grew (Oh, she grew)
Into a new shape (Into a new shape)
Something new (Something new)
A foreign landscape
With no trees, not a drop of rain
Would not believe things could grow from pain

Until they did, ledge by ledge
I saw a baby bird raise its head
I got through, yeah, I'll be fine
Still I wish someone had been there at the time



This song describes my life since my mother's death over a year ago. I didn't know loneliness like this was possible. Almost everyone has disappeared from my life. My circle is very small now.

I've struggled with anger at how unsupported I was (and still am). I've survived and found enormous strength inside myself, but I deserved better.

I've had to make my way through the darkness on my own. I am Persephone in the Underworld.

I've always preferred the Pre-Hellenic version of the story. In it, Persephone is not kidnapped by Hades. Instead, she hears the cries of the dead and voluntarily descends to their realm so that she can comfort them. She wants to ease their loneliness and fear.

Persephone is not afraid of the darkness. Maybe she makes a home in it. She is brave enough to go to the place most people avoid. She understands that you cannot know life if you do not face death.

An important element of this version is that her becoming does not occur through a man. Hades is not the key to her self-actualization—she is. And just as she descends, she also eventually ascends.

I am waiting for the ascent, the surfacing. I am not there yet. I still live in the shadows. Come spring, there will be no reunion with my mother ever again.

I think I've made some peace with the loneliness after my mother's death. I think the solitude has been necessary. As excruciating as it is, I suspect this aloneness is the precondition for true rebirth.

I changed shape the moment my mother died. I became someone else. I'm still coming to terms with all the broken and bleeding parts of myself.

One day, I hope to rise from this darkness and to truly live again. I hope there are more people who will love me and care about me. I hope this grief is not all there is for me.