Hello, I’m Caitlin! If you’ve stumbled across this page, whether as an old or new listener, then welcome. I wanted to write this post as a more personal introduction and to offer a little context about who I am, why I do this, and how all the various parts of my life wind up filtering into what you hear on the podcast.
I started the podcast in 2016 out of a mixture of passion and the need to be heard. I wanted a space to talk honestly about film. I didn’t know if anyone would listen. Then people did. And more than that, they connected. They wrote to me and told me how the episodes deeply affected them. It’s been an honor to be part of people’s lives in some small way.
A decade in, the podcast is a kind of diary or archive of my thoughts and feelings. It’s been with me from my late 20s to now my mid-30s, and it’s been an essential part of my journey. On the episodes, I talk candidly about my life because I believe that’s where real film criticism begins: with the person watching. However, I don't really see myself as a film critic or reviewer so much as a guide, leading people to films that I think are meaningful. What follows is an in-depth (and I think fun) look at me, my life, and everything that has shaped me.
The podcast has been on an extended hiatus since 2021, and while I’ve released a few episodes here and there, it’s been far from consistent. Much of that time has been devoted to caring for my mom, a role that has reshaped my life in deep and often demanding ways. Even so, this podcast remains close to my heart, and I want you to know that I’m actively working on new episodes. It may take time, but I’m still here and still deeply committed to continuing this project with the same honesty and passion that started it all.
My Background and Childhood
Where I grew up and how it shaped me
I grew up in a small town in North Carolina. Because I lived in a rural area, I felt an intense connection with nature. I still have vivid memories of lying in the grass and watching the clouds shapeshift above me or playing in the woods, shielded by a thick emerald canopy of trees. I was often outside until my mom called me to come in, and I was always lost in daydreams. Even now, I live in the countryside, and I feel more at home among the meadows and the birdsong. I can't imagine living in a city, but I do long for the cultural richness and progressive values that tend to be found in more urban environments. I never have fit in with the conservatism and extreme religious beliefs that are prevalent in much of the South.
The version of me that existed as a teenager
I was a dreamy, lonely, intense child. I excelled at school and was called an "old soul." I struggled to find friends and a sense of belonging. So, I lost myself in art. Books were my first love. From an early age, I wanted to be a writer. I even made little magazines filled with my reviews of books, films, and albums! Only my parents ever read them. I had a social consciousness as well. I cared about what was happening around the world. I loved learning about history, and I was often worried about the ways in which humanity was repeating the terrible mistakes of the past. I was very political. I also saw myself as a feminist and leftist. These are still my beliefs. I am not separate from my politics. They are a vital part of who I am.
What I studied in college
I have a Bachelor of Arts degree in English literature and Women's Studies
Major turning points in my life
The primary event that shaped me the most is one that I have often spoken about on the podcast: the death of my father when I was 16 years old. It was traumatic and catastrophic for me. I was very close to my parents. We often called ourselves The Three Musketeers. It was unfathomable to lose him, and I can't say I ever fully recovered from it. A year after he died, my maternal grandmother passed away. Then, my maternal uncle also died. So, within a three-year period, all of these people were gone. I didn't have the resources or the support I needed at the time, and I struggled to cope. I am open about all of this on the podcast because confronting loss and death so early in my life made me who I am. The grief restructured my life and wounded my soul. It also made me very empathetic and deepened my humanity. It showed me how fragile life is and how we have to love people while they are here with us. It made love an urgent imperative. For me, the meaning of life is love, art, and connection.
What my life looks like now
Another turning point in my life is becoming a caregiver for my mom. Her health started to decline in 2020. It's been a brutal and shattering period for me. My life right now consists of caring for her and working my job. I often feel like I am in survival mode, but I find solace in films, books, music, and art. Those are the things that have always saved me. My life is not where I want it to be, and it's not where I imagined it would be when I was a little girl filled with dreams, but I am doing the best I can.
A few things you probably don’t know about me
I am not religious, but I have developed an interest in feminist spirituality, paganism, prehistoric goddess worship, depth psychology, and mythology. I've been very drawn to the occult and developed a passion for tarot! I don't use it for divination. Instead, I see the cards as a powerful tool for exploring the unconscious, connecting to my creativity, and sparking deeper self-reflection. Throughout history, many writers and artists have been interested in tarot, from Leonora Carrington (who created a deck) to Sylvia Plath.
My Life in Film
The first film that truly moved me
That would be Carl Theodor Dreyer's The Passion of Joan of Arc (1928)! One night, in my teens, I happened to come across a showing of it on the Turner Classic Movies channel. It was the first time I had a spiritual experience with cinema. It electrified, moved, and haunted me. It remains my favorite film of all time.
How I fell in love with art house cinema
My love for cinema was first planted when I was in high school and took a film appreciation class that focused primarily on silent films and the golden age of Hollywood. Later on, when I was in college in 2011, I happened to see Chris Marker's La Jetée, and it was the catalyst for my obsession with European art house cinema. At that time, streaming was becoming more popular, and this made world cinema much more accessible. You were no longer dependent on your local video stores or what films were shown on television. Thanks to the internet and my laptop, I could spend my nights lost in the films of Varda, Bergman, Tarkovsky, and many others!
The directors I feel most connected to
Krzysztof Kieślowski, Ingmar Bergman, Abbas Kiarostami, Agnès Varda, Satyajit Ray, Yasujirō Ozu, Chantal Akerman, Marguerite Duras, Franco Piavoli, Michael Haneke, Jane Campion, Tsai Ming-liang, Andrei Tarkovsky, Terrence Malick
My top five favorite films of all time
1. The Passion of Joan of Arc (Carl Theodor Dreyer, 1928)
2. The Tree of Life (Terrence Malick, 2011)
3. Mirror (Andrei Tarkovsky, 1975)
4. The Double Life of Veronique (Krzysztof Kieślowski, 1991)
5. Wanda (Barbara Loden, 1970)
What I think makes a film a masterpiece
When I watch films, I prioritize what they make me feel. It's the feeling of the film that matters the most. It is often ineffable and overwhelming. It can even be spiritual or bring me to tears. It is intense and almost physical. I know that I've made contact with something mysterious. I've felt it while watching a wide range of films, from Hiroshi Teshigahara's Woman in the Dunes to Aleksandr Petrov's The Old Man and the Sea to Ingmar Bergman's Cries and Whispers. I live for this feeling, and I am always grateful when a work of art touches my soul.
How my relationship with cinema has evolved
I don't know if it has changed all that much. I think my relationship with cinema has certainly deepened. I go to films for a variety of reasons: for solace, for an experience of beauty or mystery or pure emotion, for escape, for a glimpse into other people's lives. I cherish this art form.
One film opinion I stand by (even if it’s unpopular)
The wrong actor can ruin a film for me. I often do not agree with casting decisions in modern films, and I struggle to connect to contemporary actors. Also, I am adamant about making up my own mind about a film. People are too wrapped up in reviews and online opinions. I loathe film discourse, particularly around awards season. At the end of the day, I think it is essential to know what YOU think about a film, even if it goes against the popular consensus. Have your own thoughts!
The underrated gem I want everyone to watch
I have so many underrated gems I wish people would watch. Two of the big ones for me are Franco Piavoli's Voices Through Time and Guy Gilles's Earth Light.
My Creative Process and Why I Started The Podcast
Why I started the podcast in the first place
It was 2016, and I was so in love with cinema but had nowhere to share that love in all its fullness. I wanted to talk about films. I was also lonely. Me and my family had made a major move. I was living in a different state and had no real-life friends. This isolation was the catalyst for starting the podcast. I figured I would talk to the internet void and ramble about all the films I loved. The episodes were raw, unedited, and rough-around-the-edges. I never thought anyone would listen, but I'm grateful that some people found me and encouraged me to keep going! I ended up creating over 120 episodes over the course of 5 years. I've been listened to all over the world on almost every continent, and I know without a doubt that I've touched lives. That's all I can ask for.
What I hoped to create and what it became
At first, I hoped to share my passion for cinema and my deeply personal connection to it. Over time, though, the podcast became a space for me to share my story, my memories, my feelings, and my voice. I gained confidence through the process of making the episodes. I felt a sense of pride and accomplishment because I felt like I was having a positive impact on other people. It became an archive of my life and a creative outlet. For the first time ever, I felt like I mattered, like people cared about what I had to say. It's more than a podcast to me. And I think it defies the rigid definitions of a podcast. It's more like a hybrid of many different things, equal parts audio diary, film criticism, and self-portraiture. I put my heart and soul into it.
How the podcast evolved with my life
I am different in my mid-30s than who I was in my late 20s when I started the podcast. I've been on an extended hiatus due to all the upheaval of the last few years, but I am working on new episodes that will perhaps mark the beginning of a rebirth or a reconceptualization of the podcast. They will certainly reflect this new period of my life that includes taking care of my mother and being a single, childfree woman in a society that centers romantic relationships and the nuclear family. I am on a very different path than other people my age. I don't know what the future holds for me. There is fear and uncertainty, but I also feel that my 30s have been transformative, that I have only just now started to truly live and to know myself and come to terms with the trauma of my past and hopefully find some kind of healing. More than anything, I love myself more than ever, and I believe in my voice. I believe that I was born to share my light and my story. The podcast was a crucial turning point. Other people saw my value and showed it to me. Through their act of listening to me, they gave me the gift of helping me realize my own worth.
Why I keep making episodes
The podcast is the fullest expression of all that I am. It is a space I have carved out for my creative expression. When I speak, I claim my right to exist and to be heard in a world that has often made me feel invisible and worthless. As I have started recording episodes again, I've felt such a sense of meaning and purpose. It just feels right. It makes me feel good. It makes me feel alive. It's also a way for me to keep my father alive–to share memories of him, to process the loss of him, to create a presence out of his absence. If people remember me, then maybe they will remember him, too, and what I've shared about him and the unconditional love both he and my mother gave me.
The moments with listeners I’ll never forget
I've received some emotional and heartfelt messages over the years. I won't go into details since those moments between me and those listeners were private (and sacred to me), but every message and every review has let me know that I've reached people. I love the idea that people listen to me on their way to work or as they do chores or as they even work their jobs. We will never meet, but cinema has connected us.
An episode that meant a lot to me
My episode on Three Colors: Blue (1993) was powerful for me. I still remember recording it, and I've had people mention it over the years. It continues to be an important film for me when it comes to bearing my grief. I also found my episode on Marty (1955) to be cathartic. I hold so much shame related to my looks and my lack of romantic love. I wanted to speak about those things and to help other women feel less alone.
How I choose what to talk about
The main question I ask myself is this: Do I have something original to offer about this film? There are many films I love that I will never do episodes on because I simply do not have anything to add that is unique or worthwhile.
How I prepare for each episode
I avoid other people's opinions! I do not read lots of reviews of films that I know I want to cover. However, I will read director and cast interviews or watch behind-the-scenes featurettes. I've always been honest about the fact that I am not a film scholar or film historian. That's not what I offer. But I do want to be knowledgeable about a film. After I've done research, I rewatch the film and take notes. From those notes, I create an outline and record the episode.
What podcasting has taught me
Release perfectionism! In the beginning, I wanted the episodes to be perfect. I even worried about my Southern accent and if I had a good voice. Over time, I had to let go of all the doubts and just be authentic and imperfect. What matters is to create something real and true and heartfelt. That's still all that matters to me. I will never be perfect. And I will never be enough for the people who refuse to see my value. I can only hope that my episodes reach the people who need to find them.
My Other Passions: Music, Literature, Art, and Poetry
The role music has played in my life
Music was my father's major passion. He had so many records and CDs, and he passed on his love of music to me! It was also one of the primary ways that we bonded. He gave me albums by Stevie Nicks, Joni Mitchell, Paul Simon and many others. Music might be the most transcendent art form for me. When I listen to certain songs, I want to merge with them. I always have my headphones on, and I love discovering new music. I am open to everything. I never limit myself to one particular genre or era.
My favorite musicians and bands
Tori Amos, Cat Power, Talk Talk, Mark Hollis, Beach House, Max Richter, Vashti Bunyan, Elliott Smith, Jason Molina, Grouper, Patty Griffin, Kate Bush, PJ Harvey, Björk, Joanna Newsom
Albums that have shaped me
Little Earthquakes by Tori Amos, You Are Free by Cat Power, Hounds of Love by Kate Bush, Laughing Stock by Talk Talk, A Storm in Heaven by The Verve, Is This Desire by PJ Harvey, The Blue Notebooks by Max Richter, Bloom by Beach House, In the Aeroplane Over the Sea by Neutral Milk Hotel, Pet Sounds by The Beach Boys, Disintegration Loops by William Basinski, Dummy by Portishead, Vulnicura by Björk, Have One on Me by Joanna Newsom, Let Me Go Let Me Go Let Me Go by Jason Molina, Wrecking Ball by Emmylou Harris
Writers and poets I carry with me
Virginia Woolf, Sylvia Plath, Clarice Lispector, Marguerite Duras, Fernando Pessoa, Mary Oliver, Shirley Jackson, Katherine Mansfield, Raymond Carver, Jane Kenyon, Linda Gregg, Marie Howe, Annie Ernaux, Toni Morrison, Anita Brookner, Audre Lorde, Alejandra Pizarnik, Forugh Farrokhzad, James Baldwin, Anne Carson, Anna Kamienska, Emily Dickinson, Walt Whitman, bell hooks, Anna Akhmatova, Joan Didion, Muriel Rukeyser, Lucille Clifton
My favorite books
Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf, Ariel by Sylvia Plath, Agua Viva by Clarice Lispector, The Book of Disquiet by Fernando Pessoa, Mourning Diary by Roland Barthes, Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro, Housekeeping by Marilynne Robinson, Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier, The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson, Collected Poems of Raymond Carver, Bluets by Maggie Nelson, Astonishments by Anna Kamienska, The Book Against Death by Elias Canetti
A line of poetry I can't shake
You remember too much,
my mother said to me recently.
Why hold onto all that? And I said,
Where can I put it down?
-- Anne Carson, "The Glass Essay"
My favorite artists and photographers
Francesca Woodman, Frida Kahlo, Ana Mendieta, Louise Bourgeois, Tracey Emin, Vivian Maier, Sally Mann, Jenny Holzer, Yayoi Kusama, Niki de Saint Phalle, Lorna Simpson, Carrie Mae Weems, Andrew Wyeth, Francis Bacon, Edward Hopper, Nan Goldin, Alessandra Sanguinetti, Kiki Smith, Hilma af Klint, Georgia O'Keeffe, Dorothea Tanning, Vincent van Gogh, Johannes Vermeer, Sophie Calle
Works of art that haunt me
Francesca Woodman's On Being An Angel, Ana Mendieta's Silueta series, Sally Mann's images of the Deep South, Niki de Saint Phalle's Tarot Garden, Andrew Wyeth's Christina's World, Antoni Gaudi's architecture, Andrei Tarkovsky's polaroids, Nan Goldin's The Ballad of Sexual Dependency, Alessandra Sanguinetti's The Adventures of Guille and Belinda and The Enigmatic Meaning of Their Dreams, Sophie Calle's Suite Vénitienne.
How music, literature, art, and poetry influence the way I talk about cinema
For me, art is interconnected. I love including all kinds of things in my episodes. At times, I've recited poems or discussed a short story or talked about a musician. When I'm talking about films, I can make various associations and connections. For instance, in my episode on Roberto Rossellini's Journey to Italy, I mentioned James Joyce's short story, The Dead.
Fun Stuff and A Few Confessions
The “guilty pleasure” movie I’ll never apologize for
This is not a specific film but a category. I love made-for-tv movies from the 1990s! Many of them aired on the Lifetime channel, and I grew up watching them.
Favorite tv shows
The Golden Girls is my favorite show of all time! I don't watch as much tv now. So, a lot of what I love is from my childhood such as animated shows, like Hey Arnold, Doug, etc. I also really love My So-Called Life, Frasier, Six Feet Under, and Mad Men.
What my perfect day off looks like
Honestly, one of the most pleasurable things for me is reading in bed all day. It is the best feeling.
What I hope listeners feel when they listen to me
Less alone
The fictional character I most relate to
Eleanor from Shirley Jackson's The Haunting of Hill House
My comfort movie when everything feels like too much
James Ivory's Maurice (1987)
The movie quote that lives rent-free in my brain
"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion." - Dead Poets Society
The scent that instantly brings back a memory
Honeysuckle in the spring and summer, the smell of the earth after it rains
The most “me” line from a song
"I just want to feel everything" - Fiona Apple, "Every Single Night"
A weird hobby or interest I never talk about on the podcast (but maybe should)
It's not weird necessarily, but I love coloring! I recently got into adult coloring books, and I find it so soothing to my mind.
A movie I wanted to love, but didn’t—and I feel guilty about it
2001: A Space Odyssey. I still haven't found a Kubrick that I connect to.
One thing I think people misunderstand about me
Some people might think I talk too much about pain. They might think I am whining or have a "victim mentality" or that I'm wallowing in self-pity. I share my experiences not only because I want to help others feel less alone, but I want to use the pain. By using it and transforming it, then I show how you can go through difficult things but still find a way to continue living.
A joy that feels embarrassingly small—but never fails
The feeling of taking a hot shower, putting on cute pajamas, and getting into bed. I love it!
