"Outsider" by Courtney Marie Andrews
I wanna be an outsider
It's too painful looking in
Have fun with the insiders
The risk is too big
Yes, I have my reasons
I've been burned before
You let them get close
Then they expose your core
You give them your heart
As they're asking for more
You give them your world
Then they show you the door
I have never been as lonely in my life as I have been in the past seventeen months since my mother's death. But it is a loneliness I will endure because at least I am safe.
During the nightmarish years that I cared for my mother by myself, I let men into my life out of terrible desperation. I was frantically searching for an escape from unbearable pain, but the pain only deepened.
It will always be my greatest regret that I opened that door. I will not open it again. I learned why I kept it closed for much of my life.
Once the core is exposed, my god there is no pain like it. I managed to avoid it until my 30s but maybe the delay intensified everything and made it all so catastrophic.
At times, I didn't think I'd survive the touching of that wound inside me.
That wound is the source of my despair and self-destruction. That wound was formed out of my earliest memories of rejection and abandonment. It is the voice inside my head that tells me I am ugly, worthless, and unlovable.
I will stay on the outside. I will be alone, but I will be safe, and that matters more to me than anything. Because those who touch that wound are not worthy of such intimate access to my heart and my soul. They are not worthy of such power.