I spent the day blissfully crocheting! All my yarn orders have now arrived, and I'm working on various projects.
I'm making lots of bows (top and center) that I will arrange in an interlocking design to create a holiday garland. I already finished a Christmas stocking as well.
I'm also officially starting the granny square blanket inspired by Disclosure Day (bottom). I went with one central color (strawberry pink) and a cream border. The original blanket in the film has multiple colors, but I think this still captures the look of it. I wanted something sweet and feminine, like what you'd find in a little girl's room.
Maybe if I had a daughter, this is the blanket I would create for her. Or maybe I'm creating the blanket for the little girl I once was. I wish I had learned crochet as a child. I would have made all kinds of things at that age, but at least I can create beautiful items for myself now.
That's how I bear the grief. I create beauty in the midst of it.
I cry every day and every night. I feel like I've been gutted by the death of my mother. Everyone I love has been taken from me. I shouldn't be here. I should not have survived it.
But if I can keep moving toward beauty and creating it with my hands, then I can stay alive. A blanket, a page of writing, an episode—these are my offerings to the void. They do not cancel out the devastation. They do not prevent death. They are not enough, but they are all I have.
"Quiet" by Max Richter