My mom used to say to me, "My cup runneth over."
We often said it to each other when we wanted to express gratitude and share how much we loved each other.
My mom first heard this phrase in the film, Hope Floats, and that's why she started to say it. In the film, a character played my Gena Rowlands (my mom's favorite actress) says it to her own daughter and granddaughter.
Recently, I came across the Bible verse where the phrase originates. I'm not religious, but I sometimes derive comfort from prayers:
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.
I am certainly in the valley of the shadow of death. Losing my mother has plunged me into total existential agony and despair. I have no god to turn to. I've had to find everything inside myself.
The memory of my parents' love keeps me alive. Maybe that is my god, my religion, my spirituality.
I know when she left this earth, I could feel my mother transfer all the love and strength inside her. I was present with her in the room as she took her final breath. I dream of her often. I feel connected to her and to my father. I refuse to label it or to explain it. I prefer to let it remain mysterious.
I wish I believed in another world where my parents were waiting for me. I wish I believed there was a better world than this one. I think of all she suffered in her final years, and I almost can't bear to live with the memory of it.
I wish she were safe and whole somewhere. I wish she continued in some form and that I could reach her.
I just want them back. I want what is impossible, but I can't stop wanting it.