It hit me today that this period of my life is about facing my worst fears.
Almost every single one of the things I feared most has happened:
I feared losing my mother.
I feared living in this world without my parents.
I feared being forgotten by people, not mattering, not being cared for or supported in my time of need.
I feared abandonment and rejection.
I feared returning to the podcast and nobody caring.
I feared being totally alone in my grief.
I feared being in my 30s and not knowing love.
I feared the death of certain dreams for my life.
Every single fear has been realized. All of it came true, and in a short period of time, too. In a weird way, maybe this frees me.
I've been watching climbing documentaries. One man said that the climber is not free from fear, he just climbs anyway.
Everything I feared happened, and I'm still here. Still living when I thought I'd drown or give up. If anything, I love and care for myself even more.
Lately, I've had the strangest desire to delete everything. Sometimes, I wish I'd never started this podcast because it brought people into my life who deeply hurt me. It also brought me good people, good friends. I don't know how to reconcile that right now.
I also don't know how to accept that I've made these episodes for ten years and, when my mother died, barely anyone reached out or seemed to care. I shared my life, my heart, my soul for a decade, and that seems to have meant very little in this world. I will never see people as I once did.
In a way, I do feel free. Now that I know I'm essentially alone, I can live for myself and create what I want. I am not beholden to anyone. My worth is in no one's hands.
Fear used to rule my life. Maybe I'm finally escaping its clutches. Now that the worst has happened, what is there left to fear?