I'm not a "woo woo" person, but I am constantly shocked by the eerie synchronicities that happen with tarot. Yesterday, as I was trying to survive the one-year mark of my mother's death, I pulled none other than the Death card itself from the Margarete Petersen tarot deck.
I think the card is telling me that many things died with her, and I have been transformed in ways that I'm still coming to terms with. The transformation is not over. The Death is not over either. That's why my grief is so annihilating.
Then, today, I pulled The Magician. If the Death card told me to grieve what is lost, The Magician card reminds me to focus on what remains. It seems to say "Yes, it's all gone. Now, what will you do with what you still have?" All the tools are on the table. My life is in my hands.
But, my god, the grief is agonizing. When I lost my mother, I lost everything. I am in the time of ashes.
"Take to the Sky" by Tori Amos
I just want a little passion
to hold me in the dark
I know I've got some magic
buried, buried deep in my heart