Piano cover of "I Wanna Be Adored" by The Stone Roses
Around 5 years ago, shortly after my 31st birthday, I fell in love for the first and only time. It was, of course, not reciprocated. I often question if it was love. Maybe I will never fully understand what I felt for him. Maybe I don't need to understand it. It was one of the most agonizing experiences of my life. I've never really been the same. Even though I rarely think about him and I certainly don't want him, what I do still want is to be seen, known, loved, even adored.
Meeting him felt like finding a special radio station. All static for the longest time and then music broke through. I was searching for a signal, a connection, and I felt it with him. You can't re-create it, can you? I heard the music for a little while. Then, the static came back. You keep going from channel to channel, but you can't find the signal again.
I don't really know how to live with being unloved, invisible, and alone. I am grieving my mother completely on my own. There is no one to hold me, to tell me it will be okay, to care for me. I can't describe how painful this loneliness is. I would not wish it on anyone.
I share so much art—the music, the films, the books, the poems, my crochet—because that's all I have. There's nothing else to comfort me and soothe me. There is nothing else to live for except art. It's what saves me. It's where I pour my love now.