I tried to make another granny square, but this one didn't work out as well. I still wanted to document it nonetheless. A granny square is so much harder than it looks!
I recorded my episode on The Red Shoes. There's still nothing quite like the experience of making these episodes. I have my notes and outline, but when I'm in the moment, talking about the film, I feel like I access something inside myself. This film gave me the chance to articulate certain thoughts and feelings that, up to this point, had remained unspoken—mainly my intense belief in the importance of art and what it means to be a woman who wants more from life.
As much as I love the podcast, it's become clear to me that it cannot hold all that I am. It's not really a podcast at all. I refer to it as an audio diary, a self-portrait through film, a hybrid form. People don't know what to make of me. Good. Maybe I don't want to be legible to others anymore. I used to be insecure about it. At times, I still am. I've often asked myself: Why don't I fit in? Why am I so unsupported? Why can't I find more people who appreciate and value me? Will I ever belong? Those questions will always haunt me.
I chose to leave social media (specifically Instagram) because I knew in my soul I did not belong on it. After my mother's death, it became unbearable to me. Barely anyone has reached out about her death. At times, I've actually been ignored and treated poorly by those I sought care from. I realized what an illusion it all was, how little my life mattered to people, how the platforms trivialize our heartbreak and reward passivity and spectatorship. I will not perform for strangers. I am not a brand. I am not a product. I am not pixels on a screen. I am not something for you to scroll past. I am a living, breathing, grieving woman. I refuse to let anything diminish me.
After I recorded the episode on The Red Shoes, I had an intense dream about a snake. It was large, white, and upright, like a cobra. I am still thinking about this snake, this ancient creature so frightening but also fierce, protective, and powerful. The dream had an energy that is still vibrating in my body. Something is rising in me. Something is awakening. A newfound strength perhaps. The strength to belong to myself. The strength to create what is true to me.