"Debonair" by The Afghan Wigs
"First Glimmer" by Paul Westerberg
"Everybody Knows" by Concrete Blonde
"Ugly Truth Rock" by Matthew Sweet
"Low" by Cracker
Last night, I crocheted and watched this amazing episode of MTV's 120 Minutes from 1993. It's a compilation of all the live performances from the entire year. You can see The Smashing Pumpkins, PJ Harvey, Bjork, and many others! Above, I've shared my favorite songs that I discovered from the episode. Other than the music, it was so nostalgic to see the commercials from the early 1990s. I was reminded of the world we've lost.
One of my friends sent me this poem by Alice Notley. I felt something tremble inside me when I read the words: "The centre of me/ is always & eternally/ a terrible pain—/ a curious, wild pain—a searching/ beyond what the world contains, something/ transfigured & infinite—I don't find it,/ I don't think it is to be found."
It has taken strength for me to speak, to write, to share myself online. People will never understand it. As a little girl, I silenced myself. I was invisible. Sometimes, people asked if I was mute. To share my words here and on my podcast is a tremendous act of self-honoring. I sometimes speak what should not be spoken. I have been honest about my life—the loneliness, the shame, the longing, the agony. Few people want to hear it. Few people can handle it.
I am not easy to know, but I am worth knowing. I am not comforting, but I am raw and honest. I am not beautiful, but I am deep and soulful and (com)passionate. I have paid the price for my non-conformity. I have walked away from people who could not appreciate me. I have stood alone for much of my life because I am so fiercely devoted to myself.
I have dared to tell the truth about my life and my grief. It is the bravest thing a woman can do. I live by these words that Muriel Rukeyser wrote in her poem, "Käthe Kollwitz:"
What would happen if one woman told the truth about
her life?
The world would split open