I haven't been pulling tarot cards much lately. My readings are rare these days, but, when I do pull a card, it carries more weight. I pulled 3 of Wands on a particularly difficult day—worried about work and panicking about the future. This card grounded me. I love the calmness of it. I expected to maybe pull swords because of the anxiety or pentacles because of the financial situation. Instead, here is this image of quiet strength. A man looking out at the waters in front of him. We don't see the figure's face—we see his view and the scene he is observing.
This card reminded me that the future is unknown but not completely uncontrollable. All you can do is prepare, take small steps toward something better, or at least stabilize the present as much as possible. The future scares me because everything I long for feels so out of reach. It's hard to watch my life shrink when all I want is possibility and expansion. I want to believe that things can improve, but nothing has ever worked out for me. I have no support, no help, no resources. I stopped dreaming and hoping a long time ago.
I think I've finally made peace with the smallness of the podcast. In the early years of it, from 2016 to 2021, I had ridiculous ambitions that never materialized. I wanted to build an audience, have a presence in the film space, maybe even go to film festivals and support myself through the podcast. I was in my late 20s. None of it happened, as you can tell, if anyone is reading these entries. I'm still a nobody! I can't even recognize that version of myself—the young woman with actual hope! She vanished a long time ago.
Now, I'm 36 years old, looking into a future that is uncertain and unstable. I don't know how to live without my mom. I can't imagine what there is for me in this world now, but I have to adjust to this painful reality. Notice how the figure in 3 of Wands is alone? His life is in his own hands, just like mine is. How terrifying it is, how lonely.
It's like I'm at the beginning of my life all over again. I've called this my Second Life. My First Life was the one when I had my parents. It is over and done. I can never go back to it. It is sealed off. This Second Life is less than a year old. My mother died just over 8 months ago. I'm a newborn. I am no longer a daughter, am I? No one claims me. I don't know how to do this. I wish I were more calm and steady. I wish I were stronger, but I've lost too much.