In this episode, I talk about Delbert Mann's precious 1955 film, "Marty." It tells the story of Marty, a 34-year-old butcher who has struggled all his life to find love. One night, he meets Clara, a woman who can relate to his loneliness. This is a film about the pain of invisibility and the power of connection. It's about what it means to finally feel seen after a lifetime of rejection.
This is a deeply personal episode for me, but it's one that I hope reaches anyone who might need to hear it and to be reminded that they are not alone.
The audio quality is the best I could provide right now. Apologies if it is not up-to-par for some. I did my best.
Note: I am not doing regular or consistent episodes, but I will release an episode when I feel I have something of value to say about a film.
You can follow me on Instagram, Letterboxd, and Tumblr. My email is herheadinfilms@gmail.com.
[00:00:18] Hello, welcome to another episode of Her Head in Films. I'm Caitlin and I'm your host. On this podcast, I share my thoughts and feelings about the films I watch. They tend to be art house and world cinema.
[00:00:32] What makes this podcast unique is that I weave together my life experiences with a personal and emotional discussion of film. I explore the impact that cinema has on me and why I connect so deeply to it. As I like to say, my head isn't in the clouds, my head is in films.
[00:00:55] Today's episode is about Delbert Manns 1955 film Marty. It stars Ernest Borgnine as the titular character, Marty, who is 34 and a butcher and he's single.
[00:01:11] He struggles and has struggled for much of his life to find love and companionship. He meets Clara, played by Betsy Blair, and she's in a similar circumstance.
[00:01:25] And these two very lonely souls connect with one another. This film is a very powerful exploration about loneliness, about what it's like to be in the world and to not fit beauty standards, to be kind of like an outcast, to be rejected.
[00:01:51] But to then miraculously find another person who understands you and who sees you and wants to know you.
[00:02:03] And so there's a kind of hope about the film. It's quite unknown. It's pretty obscure.
[00:02:09] It's a film from the 1950s that made me feel seen in a way that I didn't expect when I started watching it.
[00:02:22] It's very rare for me to come across a film like this, where I feel like parts of my life experience and my own pain are reflected on the screen through the characters and the story.
[00:02:40] And that's how I felt about Marty. It's become very precious to me.
[00:02:44] It is such a tender and beautiful film.
[00:02:48] This will be a difficult episode for me.
[00:02:52] I've tried to record it multiple times and it just keeps unraveling the more that I talk.
[00:03:00] I start to ramble and it doesn't work.
[00:03:03] I'm going to do my best to articulate why this film is so important to me.
[00:03:10] But in order for me to do that, I have to go into a very deep wound inside me.
[00:03:18] And I have to explore a subject that is incredibly painful for me.
[00:03:28] And I guess expose my shame.
[00:03:32] I feel a lot of shame about this part of my life or this area of my life.
[00:03:39] But I'm doing this episode and I'm going to be talking about some of these very painful things.
[00:03:47] Because I hope that in me sharing my story and me sharing my struggles,
[00:03:54] that somebody else who's listening, particularly women who might be out there listening to this,
[00:04:02] I hope that my voice reaches somebody who needs to hear this episode.
[00:04:09] And I hope that they feel seen the way that Marty made me feel seen.
[00:04:16] And I hope that this episode can be a way to shatter that shame that I feel.
[00:04:26] And to connect with other people who might understand this experience and understand what I'm talking about.
[00:04:37] This is one of the deepest wounds of my life.
[00:04:42] It's a wound that I feel like I cannot heal.
[00:04:46] And maybe one step to healing it is to expose it to the light.
[00:04:53] I think light can kind of be like an antiseptic.
[00:04:57] Particularly when it comes to shame.
[00:05:01] That the more you hide it, the more it's in the dark, I think the more powerful it grows.
[00:05:07] I'm haunted by this sense that I am unlovable.
[00:05:13] That's the wound.
[00:05:14] Is that I don't feel lovable.
[00:05:18] And I felt it since I was a little girl.
[00:05:21] I'm 35 years old as I record this episode.
[00:05:25] When I watched Marty, I was his age.
[00:05:28] I was 34.
[00:05:30] That's also why I feel so seen by the film.
[00:05:33] I'm 35 years old.
[00:05:35] And I have never been in a romantic relationship.
[00:05:41] I have never known romantic love.
[00:05:45] I've never had a man show interest in me.
[00:05:49] I've never dated.
[00:05:51] I've never had a man find me attractive or want to be with me.
[00:05:56] I've never had my feelings for a man reciprocated.
[00:06:01] I have just never known mutual attraction.
[00:06:05] I've never had a man find me attractive or compliment me or want to be with me.
[00:06:12] I've never known what it's like to have my feelings returned or be in a mutual romantic relationship with a man.
[00:06:21] And that's what I'm ashamed of.
[00:06:25] I'm ashamed of it because we live in a world where that's what women are defined by.
[00:06:32] We live in a patriarchal society that tells women that they are defined by, first of all, their looks, their attractiveness, their desirability.
[00:06:42] I don't have any of that.
[00:06:45] And secondly, we're defined by attracting men, having a man, being in a romantic relationship.
[00:06:56] And also, it's part of the human experience.
[00:07:02] It's part of the human condition to fall in love, to know romantic love and sexuality.
[00:07:09] I haven't necessarily chosen this.
[00:07:13] It just didn't happen.
[00:07:15] Nobody ever showed interest in me or wanted to be with me.
[00:07:19] When I was a little girl and I was about five or six, I started to gain weight.
[00:07:25] And I have struggled with my weight for my entire life.
[00:07:30] And I was treated really badly.
[00:07:32] I've been treated really badly because of my weight.
[00:07:35] I've never fit beauty standards.
[00:07:38] And what my weight did is that it made me feel like I was never enough.
[00:07:48] That I was never good enough.
[00:07:50] I certainly wasn't thin enough.
[00:07:52] I wasn't pretty enough or attractive enough.
[00:07:56] And I could feel it in the way that I was treated by boys and later on men, by my family, by classmates, by people out in the world.
[00:08:06] I felt very dehumanized.
[00:08:09] And I had this seed of self-hatred planted inside me and inside my soul.
[00:08:18] And it has grown and grown and it led to a lot of self-destruction.
[00:08:25] And it is just...
[00:08:28] This is one of the deepest wounds of my life.
[00:08:31] And I don't know fully how to heal it.
[00:08:34] I'm trying.
[00:08:35] I'm trying to love myself.
[00:08:38] But in the back of my mind, there's all that history.
[00:08:42] There's everything from when I was a little girl and being invisible.
[00:08:49] Either being totally invisible or being targeted with ridicule and cruelty.
[00:08:56] Particularly by boys.
[00:08:59] And later on by men.
[00:09:00] And so I'm trying to rip out, like by the roots, that self-hatred.
[00:09:08] I'm fighting every day to rip it out.
[00:09:13] And to feel that I am lovable.
[00:09:16] But I'm haunted by the feeling that I am unlovable.
[00:09:21] And that nobody will ever love me romantically.
[00:09:28] I feel this deep aching to be loved.
[00:09:33] And to know love.
[00:09:36] And I don't know if I ever will.
[00:09:38] I don't know if I will find the love that I need.
[00:09:45] Or that I will be loved in the way that I deserve to be loved.
[00:09:49] As you get older, it's one thing to be 20.
[00:09:52] And to never have been in a relationship.
[00:09:56] To not be asked out on dates.
[00:09:58] Or hold somebody's hand.
[00:10:01] Or talk all night with somebody.
[00:10:04] And share yourself with someone.
[00:10:08] It's very different to be 35.
[00:10:11] And everybody around you is having children.
[00:10:15] Getting married.
[00:10:17] And by that point, everybody's known love.
[00:10:20] You know, people have fallen in love.
[00:10:23] They've explored their desires.
[00:10:26] Their sexuality.
[00:10:27] They know what it's like.
[00:10:29] It's almost like I don't feel fully human or something.
[00:10:32] As a feminist, I know.
[00:10:35] Well, you're not defined by whether a man wants you or not.
[00:10:39] You're not defined by whether people find you attractive.
[00:10:42] Or think that you're beautiful.
[00:10:43] I know that.
[00:10:45] I know it all intellectually.
[00:10:48] And then there's the lived reality of it.
[00:10:51] Of the loneliness.
[00:10:53] That is so bone deep.
[00:10:55] That I can't even put it into words.
[00:10:58] It defies language.
[00:11:01] I cry myself to sleep.
[00:11:03] At times.
[00:11:05] Because of it.
[00:11:06] I have these.
[00:11:08] Almost panic attacks.
[00:11:11] That I will die alone.
[00:11:13] That I will never be loved.
[00:11:15] And sometimes I just say to myself.
[00:11:18] Why?
[00:11:19] Why doesn't anybody love me?
[00:11:23] Why don't they care about me?
[00:11:27] It's haunted me my entire life.
[00:11:30] That invisibility.
[00:11:33] And that like.
[00:11:34] I almost feel at times like I don't exist.
[00:11:38] That I am so worthless.
[00:11:42] That's the wound.
[00:11:44] I'm trying to heal it.
[00:11:46] And the shame of it is so profound.
[00:11:50] I feel like torn out of the human experience.
[00:11:57] Like I am watching other people.
[00:12:00] Live.
[00:12:02] And I will never know what they know.
[00:12:05] It's like there is this wall.
[00:12:07] Between me and the world.
[00:12:09] And I peek over the wall.
[00:12:11] And I see people in relationships.
[00:12:13] I see people being loved.
[00:12:16] And cherished.
[00:12:19] And I'm just totally alone.
[00:12:21] And I don't understand why it's like this.
[00:12:26] Why nobody ever loved me.
[00:12:30] I don't know.
[00:12:32] I've always just felt so separate.
[00:12:35] And it's not something you can force.
[00:12:37] It's not something that you have total control over.
[00:12:41] I can't make a man love me.
[00:12:45] I can't make a man return my feelings for him.
[00:12:51] I'll be honest with you.
[00:12:53] I pretty much cut off that part of myself.
[00:12:57] For really.
[00:12:58] For much of my life.
[00:13:00] I almost like suppressed it.
[00:13:03] Like I suppressed my desire for love.
[00:13:05] I told myself.
[00:13:08] Oh I'm not interested in romance.
[00:13:11] I'm fine.
[00:13:13] You know.
[00:13:13] I'll be a spinster.
[00:13:15] I'll be the cat lady.
[00:13:16] And I was at peace with that.
[00:13:18] Like in my 20s.
[00:13:19] And I just totally denied that part of myself.
[00:13:23] I denied those needs.
[00:13:25] And those desires.
[00:13:27] And those yearnings.
[00:13:28] For romantic love.
[00:13:30] For romantic reciprocation.
[00:13:33] I avoided men.
[00:13:34] And I just stayed away from them.
[00:13:37] They were so painful for me.
[00:13:41] Like the torment of it.
[00:13:44] And the pain to just be totally rejected.
[00:13:46] And invisible.
[00:13:48] And seen as worthless.
[00:13:50] And treated as worthless.
[00:13:51] Like I don't exist.
[00:13:54] And I still pretty much avoid them.
[00:13:56] If I'm being honest.
[00:13:58] I avoid them as much as possible.
[00:14:01] I have to.
[00:14:02] I have to protect myself.
[00:14:05] But then in my 30s.
[00:14:06] It started to really become agonizing.
[00:14:10] And incredibly painful.
[00:14:12] And I had some experiences.
[00:14:15] Where I got really hurt.
[00:14:17] And heartbroken.
[00:14:19] I just haven't fully known.
[00:14:21] How to deal with this.
[00:14:23] How to deal with being this alone.
[00:14:26] And being unloved.
[00:14:28] In that way.
[00:14:29] I'm very lucky that.
[00:14:31] My parents loved me.
[00:14:33] And I had great parents.
[00:14:36] I had a really great father.
[00:14:38] Who loved me.
[00:14:40] And made me feel.
[00:14:42] Like I mattered.
[00:14:43] And I know some women never get to have that.
[00:14:47] But.
[00:14:48] In the outside world.
[00:14:52] That wound.
[00:14:53] Formed.
[00:14:55] And nothing has really.
[00:14:57] Healed it.
[00:14:58] I have to just.
[00:15:00] Do what I can.
[00:15:02] To deal with it.
[00:15:03] So I share all of this.
[00:15:05] I share all of this really.
[00:15:07] Painful personal material.
[00:15:10] About my life.
[00:15:10] I've never really.
[00:15:12] Gone into it before.
[00:15:13] On this podcast.
[00:15:15] I've never said it.
[00:15:16] In such a blatant.
[00:15:18] Way.
[00:15:21] I share all of this.
[00:15:23] Because.
[00:15:24] I believe.
[00:15:25] That with films.
[00:15:27] We bring ourselves.
[00:15:29] To the film.
[00:15:30] And so.
[00:15:32] Somebody.
[00:15:33] Could watch Marty.
[00:15:34] We'll say a straight.
[00:15:36] Man.
[00:15:37] A straight man.
[00:15:38] Who's attractive.
[00:15:39] And has had lots of.
[00:15:41] Relationships.
[00:15:41] Or girlfriends.
[00:15:43] He's gonna watch Marty.
[00:15:45] And.
[00:15:46] Have a different experience.
[00:15:48] Of that film.
[00:15:49] Than.
[00:15:50] Me.
[00:15:52] A 35 year old woman.
[00:15:54] Who.
[00:15:55] Doesn't fit beauty standards.
[00:15:57] Has never been in a relationship.
[00:15:59] And struggles.
[00:16:01] With all the things.
[00:16:02] That I struggle with.
[00:16:04] I saw myself.
[00:16:06] In Marty.
[00:16:06] Marty.
[00:16:07] I was the same age as him.
[00:16:10] I had not been in a relationship.
[00:16:14] And he has this moment.
[00:16:16] In the film.
[00:16:16] Where he's talking to his mom.
[00:16:18] I even live with my mom.
[00:16:20] The way that Marty does.
[00:16:21] Is.
[00:16:22] And he has this moment.
[00:16:24] Where he's like.
[00:16:25] I'm ugly.
[00:16:26] I'm ugly.
[00:16:27] He.
[00:16:28] Kind of yells it.
[00:16:29] And he gets really frustrated.
[00:16:31] Marty.
[00:16:32] Is very aware.
[00:16:34] That he.
[00:16:34] Is not viewed.
[00:16:36] By the world.
[00:16:37] As attractive.
[00:16:38] And yes.
[00:16:39] We can say.
[00:16:40] Attraction is subjective.
[00:16:42] Beauty is subjective.
[00:16:44] Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
[00:16:45] But.
[00:16:47] There's also certain standards in place.
[00:16:50] And.
[00:16:51] Marty.
[00:16:52] Is not viewed.
[00:16:53] In that way.
[00:16:55] And I do get frustrated.
[00:16:57] By people who say things like.
[00:16:59] Oh there's somebody for everybody.
[00:17:01] And you'll find someone.
[00:17:03] And.
[00:17:04] I know that people mean well.
[00:17:06] I know that.
[00:17:07] There are people who.
[00:17:10] See me.
[00:17:11] And think that I'm beautiful.
[00:17:13] Because they know me.
[00:17:15] And they know my soul.
[00:17:16] And they know what I share.
[00:17:18] But in the real world.
[00:17:21] I am not viewed.
[00:17:23] As attractive and beautiful.
[00:17:25] I think that I am beautiful.
[00:17:27] I want to make it very clear.
[00:17:30] And this is part of the work.
[00:17:32] That I've been doing.
[00:17:33] With my own self-image.
[00:17:34] And self-esteem.
[00:17:36] I see my beauty.
[00:17:38] And I think that.
[00:17:40] All of us.
[00:17:42] Have worth.
[00:17:43] And all of us matter.
[00:17:46] And our.
[00:17:48] Worth should not be defined.
[00:17:50] By what we weigh.
[00:17:51] Or what we look like.
[00:17:52] I think that I am.
[00:17:54] A beautiful.
[00:17:56] Caring.
[00:17:58] Intelligent.
[00:17:59] Compassionate.
[00:18:00] Deep.
[00:18:02] Interesting.
[00:18:02] Woman.
[00:18:04] And I deserve.
[00:18:05] To be loved.
[00:18:06] As much as any other woman.
[00:18:08] Deserves to be loved.
[00:18:09] And I know my qualities.
[00:18:12] And I think that.
[00:18:14] I am beautiful.
[00:18:15] In my.
[00:18:16] In my soul.
[00:18:18] And in who I am.
[00:18:19] But when I'm out in the world.
[00:18:22] That's not how I'm treated.
[00:18:25] And even when I share.
[00:18:26] Images of myself.
[00:18:28] Online.
[00:18:28] Online.
[00:18:29] That's not how I'm treated.
[00:18:31] We all know that.
[00:18:33] Certain women are treated.
[00:18:35] In certain ways.
[00:18:36] And are given.
[00:18:39] Opportunities.
[00:18:41] And given.
[00:18:43] Advantages.
[00:18:44] Advantages.
[00:18:45] Because of what they look like.
[00:18:47] And I think we should be able.
[00:18:48] To acknowledge that.
[00:18:50] Out in the world.
[00:18:52] I am not treated.
[00:18:53] As a beautiful.
[00:18:55] Gorgeous.
[00:18:56] Goddess.
[00:18:57] And I never have been.
[00:18:59] Men.
[00:19:00] Do care about that.
[00:19:01] We don't like to talk about it.
[00:19:03] We don't like to say it.
[00:19:05] But.
[00:19:06] What we look like.
[00:19:07] Affects our experience.
[00:19:09] In the world.
[00:19:10] And it certainly.
[00:19:12] Affects dating.
[00:19:13] And.
[00:19:14] Attraction.
[00:19:16] And relationships.
[00:19:17] And I just don't think.
[00:19:19] That should be denied.
[00:19:21] Marty.
[00:19:22] Feels ugly.
[00:19:24] Marty.
[00:19:26] That he does not fit.
[00:19:27] Those beauty standards.
[00:19:29] Clara is very.
[00:19:30] Just.
[00:19:31] I guess.
[00:19:31] In the film.
[00:19:32] She's viewed as plain.
[00:19:34] As just.
[00:19:35] Very average looking.
[00:19:37] And even.
[00:19:38] Marty's mother.
[00:19:39] Is critical.
[00:19:40] Of Clara.
[00:19:41] Clara is a very interesting.
[00:19:42] Character in the film.
[00:19:45] Because.
[00:19:46] She.
[00:19:47] Gets.
[00:19:49] Criticized.
[00:19:50] By.
[00:19:51] People.
[00:19:51] In Marty's own family.
[00:19:53] Particularly his mother.
[00:19:54] And.
[00:19:55] That shows us.
[00:19:57] That women.
[00:19:57] Are held much more.
[00:19:59] To a standard.
[00:19:59] Of attractiveness.
[00:20:01] Than men are.
[00:20:02] But that doesn't mean.
[00:20:03] That Marty doesn't feel.
[00:20:05] His otherness.
[00:20:07] Or his.
[00:20:09] Separation.
[00:20:09] From other men.
[00:20:10] Based on what he looks like.
[00:20:12] And so.
[00:20:13] In Marty.
[00:20:14] I saw a lot of myself.
[00:20:16] In him.
[00:20:17] That sense.
[00:20:18] That he feels ugly.
[00:20:20] That he feels unattractive.
[00:20:22] That he feels.
[00:20:23] Undesirable.
[00:20:24] That was a very powerful scene.
[00:20:26] Where he says that.
[00:20:27] I'm ugly.
[00:20:28] I'm ugly.
[00:20:29] I could relate to that a lot.
[00:20:31] I love.
[00:20:32] When Clara.
[00:20:33] And Marty.
[00:20:34] Meet.
[00:20:35] At the.
[00:20:36] The.
[00:20:36] Stardust.
[00:20:37] Ballroom.
[00:20:38] I love.
[00:20:39] How these two people.
[00:20:40] Are brought together.
[00:20:41] By fate.
[00:20:42] I guess you could say.
[00:20:44] And in a way.
[00:20:46] This is my.
[00:20:47] Before sunrise.
[00:20:49] I'm gonna say it.
[00:20:50] This is my.
[00:20:51] Before sunrise.
[00:20:53] This is the kind of.
[00:20:55] I don't normally like.
[00:20:56] Romantic films.
[00:20:58] For obvious reasons.
[00:20:59] They're very painful.
[00:21:00] For me.
[00:21:01] Because.
[00:21:02] I don't know that.
[00:21:04] I don't know something like.
[00:21:06] Before sunrise.
[00:21:07] I never got to know.
[00:21:09] What it was like.
[00:21:11] To be in.
[00:21:11] To be young.
[00:21:13] Really young.
[00:21:13] Like your teens.
[00:21:14] And your 20s.
[00:21:15] And to be in love.
[00:21:17] So when it comes to the.
[00:21:18] Before trilogy.
[00:21:20] That's not really.
[00:21:21] My cup of tea.
[00:21:22] I'm not a fan of that trilogy.
[00:21:24] With Marty.
[00:21:26] This is my.
[00:21:27] Before sunrise.
[00:21:29] 100%.
[00:21:30] About two people.
[00:21:32] Who find each other.
[00:21:34] And it's almost faded.
[00:21:36] And I love that.
[00:21:37] They're both at that.
[00:21:38] Stardust ballroom.
[00:21:41] And Clara's date.
[00:21:42] Is being very.
[00:21:44] Rude to her.
[00:21:45] He basically.
[00:21:46] Doesn't want to be with her.
[00:21:48] And her and Marty.
[00:21:50] End up.
[00:21:51] Connecting with each other.
[00:21:52] And they dance.
[00:21:54] And I love.
[00:21:55] This scene.
[00:21:56] This is the scene.
[00:21:57] That made me watch the film.
[00:21:59] I saw a clip of it.
[00:22:01] On one of the social media platforms.
[00:22:06] And I was like.
[00:22:07] I have to watch this film.
[00:22:09] When I saw that scene.
[00:22:11] Where they're talking about.
[00:22:12] How they cry.
[00:22:14] Because that's me.
[00:22:15] I cry.
[00:22:17] I love when they're.
[00:22:19] Talking about that.
[00:22:20] And Marty is very vulnerable.
[00:22:23] It's a vulnerable moment.
[00:22:24] And I think that.
[00:22:26] Often our vulnerabilities.
[00:22:29] The moments when we're vulnerable.
[00:22:31] With each other.
[00:22:32] Are often.
[00:22:34] How we connect.
[00:22:36] To other people.
[00:22:38] We really have to have the courage.
[00:22:41] To be vulnerable.
[00:22:42] Just the way that I am being.
[00:22:44] In this episode.
[00:22:45] And so he talks about.
[00:22:47] How.
[00:22:48] How he cries.
[00:22:50] And then he says.
[00:22:51] You get kicked around enough.
[00:22:52] You become a real professor.
[00:22:54] Of pain.
[00:22:56] I love that.
[00:22:57] Because he's talking about.
[00:22:59] His life.
[00:23:00] He's talking about.
[00:23:01] His lived reality.
[00:23:02] He's a butcher.
[00:23:04] He's 34.
[00:23:06] He's not been in a relationship.
[00:23:09] He sees people around him.
[00:23:12] Getting married.
[00:23:14] Having children.
[00:23:15] And he's left behind.
[00:23:18] He's separate from all of it.
[00:23:20] And I feel that.
[00:23:21] That.
[00:23:23] You become a professor.
[00:23:24] Of pain.
[00:23:26] And these two people.
[00:23:29] Really do connect.
[00:23:31] Through their pain.
[00:23:33] But.
[00:23:35] Because they've been through that pain.
[00:23:38] That's what allows them.
[00:23:40] To have empathy.
[00:23:42] And compassion for each other.
[00:23:45] Marty knows what it's like.
[00:23:47] To be rejected.
[00:23:47] And so when he sees Clara.
[00:23:50] Being rejected.
[00:23:52] And treated.
[00:23:53] Badly.
[00:23:54] By her date.
[00:23:55] He.
[00:23:56] Wants to help her.
[00:23:59] At first.
[00:24:00] I don't think he's necessarily.
[00:24:01] Attracted to her.
[00:24:02] Or has any kind of.
[00:24:04] Romantic interest in her.
[00:24:06] But he sees.
[00:24:08] Somebody.
[00:24:09] He sees an outcast.
[00:24:10] Like himself.
[00:24:12] He sees somebody.
[00:24:14] Being.
[00:24:18] And he comes in.
[00:24:19] And kind of picks her up.
[00:24:21] And decides to show kindness.
[00:24:24] Toward her.
[00:24:25] And they show that kindness.
[00:24:28] And compassion.
[00:24:29] For each other.
[00:24:32] They see.
[00:24:33] They see.
[00:24:33] The value.
[00:24:35] Of each other.
[00:24:37] They're able.
[00:24:39] To see past looks.
[00:24:41] Because.
[00:24:42] Clara's date.
[00:24:43] That's why he's not engaged.
[00:24:45] That's why he doesn't want to be with her.
[00:24:47] Is because he got stuck with her.
[00:24:49] And he doesn't find her attractive.
[00:24:52] She's not sexy.
[00:24:54] And desirable to him.
[00:24:55] And so.
[00:24:57] She has no value to him.
[00:24:59] He doesn't even try to talk to her.
[00:25:02] Or get to know her.
[00:25:03] And that's often what I've experienced.
[00:25:06] Is that.
[00:25:07] Because of what I look like.
[00:25:10] Nobody goes any further.
[00:25:13] Nobody goes any deeper.
[00:25:15] Nobody's ever tried to.
[00:25:17] Get to know me.
[00:25:19] She's.
[00:25:20] Not.
[00:25:21] Of interest to him.
[00:25:23] Pretty much based on her looks.
[00:25:25] Whereas Marty.
[00:25:26] Marty.
[00:25:27] Actually engages with her.
[00:25:29] Has a conversation with her.
[00:25:31] They dance.
[00:25:32] They talk about the crying.
[00:25:34] He talks about being a professor of pain.
[00:25:36] Later on in the film.
[00:25:38] They like walk around.
[00:25:40] And they go in a diner.
[00:25:41] And they talk.
[00:25:43] He's able to.
[00:25:45] Meet her.
[00:25:47] As a human being.
[00:25:49] As two human beings.
[00:25:50] Spending time together.
[00:25:51] And connecting with each other.
[00:25:54] He has.
[00:25:55] An emotional depth.
[00:25:58] An emotional.
[00:25:59] Capacity.
[00:26:01] And she does as well.
[00:26:03] And they form this.
[00:26:05] Emotional bond.
[00:26:07] And they do so.
[00:26:08] Through their pain.
[00:26:10] Their pain.
[00:26:11] And their.
[00:26:12] The way that they are.
[00:26:15] Outsiders.
[00:26:16] The way that they have been.
[00:26:18] Rejected.
[00:26:18] The way that they don't fit in.
[00:26:22] Is actually.
[00:26:24] What makes them.
[00:26:25] So compassionate.
[00:26:27] And it's.
[00:26:29] Part of what makes them who they are.
[00:26:31] It's what makes them kind.
[00:26:33] To one another.
[00:26:34] It's what makes them.
[00:26:36] Deep.
[00:26:37] It's what makes them.
[00:26:39] Connect.
[00:26:39] Connect.
[00:26:41] That's a beautiful part.
[00:26:43] About the film.
[00:26:45] It's hard to be an outsider.
[00:26:47] It's hard to be invisible.
[00:26:50] But when I look back on my life.
[00:26:52] As hard as it has been.
[00:26:55] To.
[00:26:56] To not be seen.
[00:26:58] To not be loved.
[00:26:59] I also realize that.
[00:27:02] I don't know who I would be right now.
[00:27:04] If I'd had a bunch of guys.
[00:27:06] Interested in me.
[00:27:07] I don't know who I would be right now.
[00:27:10] If I got in some bad relationships.
[00:27:13] I know.
[00:27:14] There are.
[00:27:15] Many women have horror stories.
[00:27:17] About their romantic relationships with men.
[00:27:19] What if that had happened to me?
[00:27:21] I lost my dad.
[00:27:23] When I was a teenager.
[00:27:24] What if I had met somebody after that?
[00:27:27] What if I had been vulnerable?
[00:27:28] And what if somebody had used me.
[00:27:30] And hurt me?
[00:27:31] What if I had gotten in a bad marriage?
[00:27:33] There's all kinds of ways.
[00:27:35] That my life could have unfolded.
[00:27:38] Because there's nothing more lonely.
[00:27:41] Than being in a relationship.
[00:27:43] Where you don't feel loved.
[00:27:46] Just because somebody is in a relationship.
[00:27:49] Doesn't mean that they are happy.
[00:27:51] Or that they are actually.
[00:27:53] In a loving, healthy.
[00:27:56] Positive relationship.
[00:27:58] What if I had been used?
[00:27:59] There's all kinds of things that could have happened.
[00:28:03] I was left alone.
[00:28:06] I was invisible for the most part.
[00:28:08] And you know what I had to do?
[00:28:10] I had to rely on myself.
[00:28:13] I didn't have a lot of friends.
[00:28:15] I didn't have any boyfriends.
[00:28:17] So I read books.
[00:28:19] And I watched films.
[00:28:21] And I harvested knowledge.
[00:28:24] And I wrote.
[00:28:25] And I discovered music.
[00:28:27] And that's still what I do.
[00:28:29] That's still the life that I live.
[00:28:32] I knew myself.
[00:28:34] From an early age.
[00:28:36] And I think some women.
[00:28:39] Know themselves through men.
[00:28:42] And conform themselves.
[00:28:44] To what men want them to be.
[00:28:46] And I never did that.
[00:28:48] I was separate from them.
[00:28:50] They didn't pay any attention to me.
[00:28:54] And in a way.
[00:28:55] I'm grateful for that.
[00:28:57] I'm grateful that.
[00:29:00] I've been able to know myself.
[00:29:04] And to belong to myself.
[00:29:08] That's maybe a silver lining of it.
[00:29:10] It's still been really painful.
[00:29:12] Not to know romantic love.
[00:29:14] Not to fall in love.
[00:29:15] Not to know what it's like for somebody to fall in love with you.
[00:29:19] Not to be desirable.
[00:29:22] And get to explore that part of myself.
[00:29:27] Yeah.
[00:29:27] It's been agonizing.
[00:29:31] Like I said.
[00:29:31] I cry myself to sleep at night at times.
[00:29:34] But then on the other hand.
[00:29:36] I can see the way that I was forged by it.
[00:29:39] And created by it.
[00:29:40] By that self-sufficiency.
[00:29:44] And that resilience.
[00:29:46] I didn't have the support.
[00:29:47] I didn't have all of that.
[00:29:50] I had to rely on myself.
[00:29:51] I had to know who I was.
[00:29:55] And I found solace through art.
[00:29:57] And what do I do now?
[00:29:59] I talk about films.
[00:30:01] I share my love of art.
[00:30:04] It's still very, very hard to be lonely though.
[00:30:07] I don't want to act like.
[00:30:09] I don't want to act like.
[00:30:11] Yeah, my life's great.
[00:30:13] It never hurts.
[00:30:15] Like I said.
[00:30:16] It's a very deep wound.
[00:30:17] I don't feel lovable.
[00:30:19] And I'm trying to.
[00:30:22] Fight that.
[00:30:25] But I also see the way.
[00:30:28] My life.
[00:30:30] Not being defined by men.
[00:30:33] Or wrapped up in men.
[00:30:35] Is a good thing.
[00:30:37] I can see that.
[00:30:39] Because I also see the damage.
[00:30:41] That a lot of men do to women.
[00:30:43] And I have just avoided them.
[00:30:46] And stayed away from them.
[00:30:48] And been pretty free of them.
[00:30:49] I guess you could say.
[00:30:51] And I guess.
[00:30:53] My separateness.
[00:30:55] And my aloneness.
[00:30:57] Has also given me.
[00:30:59] Very deep empathy.
[00:31:01] And compassion.
[00:31:02] For other people.
[00:31:03] For outsiders.
[00:31:05] For outcasts.
[00:31:07] And misfits.
[00:31:08] And rejects.
[00:31:10] And all of that.
[00:31:11] And that is why I connect so much.
[00:31:14] To Marty and Clara.
[00:31:16] Is because.
[00:31:16] They understand that.
[00:31:18] As well.
[00:31:19] And that is exactly.
[00:31:21] Why they connect to each other.
[00:31:23] That is exactly.
[00:31:24] Why they have.
[00:31:26] Such.
[00:31:27] A strong bond.
[00:31:29] Pretty quickly.
[00:31:29] In the film.
[00:31:31] And it's what allows them.
[00:31:33] To truly see each other.
[00:31:35] And.
[00:31:36] For the first time.
[00:31:38] In both of their lives.
[00:31:39] They're experiencing that.
[00:31:42] Of being seen.
[00:31:43] By another person.
[00:31:45] That's why.
[00:31:46] I think the film.
[00:31:47] Gives me so much hope.
[00:31:50] Is that.
[00:31:51] Yeah.
[00:31:51] I'm 35.
[00:31:52] And it's never happened.
[00:31:54] And I'm.
[00:31:55] I'll be honest with you.
[00:31:57] I'm not.
[00:31:58] Like.
[00:31:59] Overly.
[00:32:00] Optimistic.
[00:32:01] About it.
[00:32:01] Or anything.
[00:32:03] But.
[00:32:05] I'm open to it.
[00:32:07] If I were.
[00:32:08] To meet somebody.
[00:32:10] And he was a great person.
[00:32:13] And it was organic.
[00:32:14] And it was genuine.
[00:32:16] And it was mutual.
[00:32:17] I would not.
[00:32:18] Run away from it.
[00:32:21] I would be open to it.
[00:32:24] But it would have to be.
[00:32:28] It would have to be.
[00:32:30] Real.
[00:32:30] It would have to be mutual.
[00:32:32] And it would have to be.
[00:32:33] The right person.
[00:32:34] It would have to be.
[00:32:35] A very special.
[00:32:37] And rare person.
[00:32:39] The chances of finding him.
[00:32:41] Are very.
[00:32:42] Very slim.
[00:32:44] And I.
[00:32:45] Am.
[00:32:46] I will say this.
[00:32:48] I'm at the.
[00:32:49] The best place with it.
[00:32:51] Than I have been.
[00:32:52] In years.
[00:32:53] I have really started to accept.
[00:32:56] The situation.
[00:32:58] And accept that.
[00:33:00] I can love myself.
[00:33:02] And I can have a life.
[00:33:05] Even if it doesn't happen.
[00:33:07] Even if I don't meet that person.
[00:33:10] And even if I don't get to know.
[00:33:12] Romantic love in that way.
[00:33:14] It doesn't mean that there's not still.
[00:33:17] That aching.
[00:33:18] Inside me.
[00:33:20] It doesn't mean that the wound.
[00:33:23] Has fully healed.
[00:33:25] Or the shame about all of this is gone.
[00:33:28] But I'm getting to a better place with it.
[00:33:31] I'm.
[00:33:32] I'm making progress.
[00:33:34] Whereas in the past.
[00:33:36] It.
[00:33:36] It tore me apart.
[00:33:39] In a more.
[00:33:41] Agonizing way.
[00:33:42] And was something that I.
[00:33:45] Was just.
[00:33:47] Eaten alive by.
[00:33:51] I've really done a good job.
[00:33:53] I think of making peace with it.
[00:33:55] And accepting it.
[00:33:57] And I think that's part of my self-love journey.
[00:34:01] Is that I love myself.
[00:34:03] More.
[00:34:05] Now.
[00:34:06] Now.
[00:34:06] And I love myself.
[00:34:08] Enough.
[00:34:11] To protect myself.
[00:34:13] And to not let.
[00:34:15] Anybody into my life.
[00:34:18] Who would not cherish.
[00:34:20] And.
[00:34:21] Respect.
[00:34:22] And care about me.
[00:34:24] And so.
[00:34:25] If that means.
[00:34:26] That I have to be alone.
[00:34:28] Then that means.
[00:34:29] I have to be alone.
[00:34:31] What I've decided.
[00:34:32] Through some really.
[00:34:35] Negative experiences.
[00:34:36] With men.
[00:34:37] Over the last few years.
[00:34:39] Is that.
[00:34:40] It is either.
[00:34:42] True love.
[00:34:44] Where I am.
[00:34:45] Treated.
[00:34:46] The way that I deserve to be treated.
[00:34:49] Or.
[00:34:50] I will stay alone.
[00:34:51] I'm not going to be.
[00:34:53] Used.
[00:34:53] I'm not going to be.
[00:34:54] In a situation.
[00:34:56] I'm not going to be.
[00:34:58] Confused.
[00:35:00] All of this stuff.
[00:35:02] And.
[00:35:02] I'm not going to.
[00:35:04] Be in something.
[00:35:05] Unrequited.
[00:35:06] Or.
[00:35:07] I'm not going to put myself.
[00:35:09] Through any kind of pain.
[00:35:12] It's either.
[00:35:13] Fully.
[00:35:14] Mutual.
[00:35:16] And.
[00:35:17] True.
[00:35:18] And deep.
[00:35:19] And what I deserve.
[00:35:21] Or.
[00:35:22] I will stay alone.
[00:35:23] I will be the spinster.
[00:35:25] I will be with.
[00:35:26] All of that.
[00:35:27] And I'll make peace with it.
[00:35:29] I'd rather be alone.
[00:35:30] Than.
[00:35:31] To settle.
[00:35:32] I'd rather be alone.
[00:35:34] Than be hurt.
[00:35:35] And used.
[00:35:37] So.
[00:35:37] I'm.
[00:35:38] I had to go through.
[00:35:38] Some pain.
[00:35:39] To learn that.
[00:35:40] The hard way.
[00:35:41] But I'm past it.
[00:35:43] I'm through it.
[00:35:44] And.
[00:35:45] Sometimes.
[00:35:46] That's how we get wisdom.
[00:35:47] them so these two people take their own pain and they use it to connect with one another
[00:35:55] and you see that in the ballroom scene a professor of pain it's so tender it's so vulnerable it's so
[00:36:05] raw i love films about two people who like fate brings them together i'm reminded
[00:36:17] a little bit of like brief encounter by david lane which is one of my all-time favorite films
[00:36:23] two people who are just kind of going about their lives they don't even know of each other's
[00:36:28] existences and then all of a sudden the world opens up when they lock eyes and when they collide
[00:36:39] and they're never the same the meeting of these two souls these two lonely souls
[00:36:47] actually brings their liberation from that loneliness connection is hard to find in this
[00:36:55] world authentic deep real connection is one of the hardest things that you will find in this world
[00:37:02] but when you find it it is transformative it is life-changing i know that i've talked a lot about
[00:37:12] on this podcast pain and suffering and trauma and the way that those things change us forever
[00:37:23] but i think that connection and love can be just as transformative as pain
[00:37:31] and we can learn through our pain but we can also learn important things through love
[00:37:39] and through finding people who understand us and finding people who we're safe with and who
[00:37:47] we feel connected to that is just as transformative
[00:37:53] so this is a film about loneliness but i think it's also about the liberation from loneliness
[00:37:59] that really comes through sharing those wounds and being vulnerable with each other
[00:38:06] and that's what i'm doing on this podcast episode
[00:38:11] i am shattering the silence around this area of my life
[00:38:17] and i've carried the shame my for my entire life since i was a little girl
[00:38:24] it's not easy for me to talk about it
[00:38:27] but how else can we connect how else can we feel seen
[00:38:33] and i think that's what happens when they're dancing
[00:38:36] and then later on when they're just walking and they're just conversing with each other
[00:38:41] you can't go around with armor all the time
[00:38:47] and the walls that we build up to protect ourselves
[00:38:52] sometimes we have to have them and we need them
[00:38:55] but we also know that the only way that we can genuinely connect with others
[00:39:02] is to break through those walls
[00:39:04] because the walls they don't just keep out the pain
[00:39:11] they keep out the joy the love the possibilities
[00:39:19] and i love how these two people come together
[00:39:22] and they're lonely and all of a sudden these possibilities open up through each other
[00:39:30] because i do think that love is a transformative experience
[00:39:35] i may not have known it romantically
[00:39:40] but i know what it's like to connect with somebody else
[00:39:43] and how powerful that is
[00:39:46] the i think with marty and clara
[00:39:49] there's the possibility of love
[00:39:52] it's a relationship that's starting to form in the film
[00:39:57] it's gradual and it comes through these conversations
[00:40:00] and sharing themselves with each other
[00:40:04] and having the courage to be vulnerable
[00:40:09] when they meet each other
[00:40:10] it's like all these possibilities open up
[00:40:13] and when they meet each other there's hope
[00:40:17] there's hope
[00:40:19] i feel like that's what true love should really be about
[00:40:22] is like hope hope for your life for a future
[00:40:27] why are we here other than to love and be loved
[00:40:32] that's just the truth
[00:40:34] and that love can come from so many different sources can't it
[00:40:41] because even though i've never had a romantic relationship
[00:40:44] and i've never been loved by a man
[00:40:48] i was loved by my father
[00:40:51] i'm loved by my mother
[00:40:53] i have friends who love me
[00:40:55] i'm pouring love into myself
[00:40:58] it's not that there's an absence of love in my life
[00:41:02] i want to make that clear
[00:41:04] but deep down
[00:41:07] this still haunts me
[00:41:10] and i can't deny that
[00:41:12] i wish that i could tell you
[00:41:13] oh it doesn't bother me
[00:41:15] that's not truthful
[00:41:19] that's not me being true to my lived experience
[00:41:24] deep down there's still something there
[00:41:26] that i don't feel lovable
[00:41:29] but i tell myself
[00:41:32] even if i never have a partner
[00:41:34] i never have a relationship
[00:41:36] even if i continue to be alone
[00:41:39] my life still has value
[00:41:43] no matter what i look like
[00:41:45] my life has value
[00:41:47] whether i'm seen as beautiful
[00:41:50] or not
[00:41:51] my life has value as a woman
[00:41:55] we can't necessarily change the world around us
[00:41:59] but we can try to live
[00:42:04] authentically
[00:42:05] and we can try to be true to ourselves
[00:42:07] and give love and compassion to ourselves
[00:42:11] no i don't fit beauty standards
[00:42:14] no i'm not thin
[00:42:17] no i'm not seen as
[00:42:20] a gorgeous attractive woman
[00:42:23] out in the world
[00:42:25] but i still have value
[00:42:28] no matter what i look like
[00:42:31] no matter if men
[00:42:33] think that i'm attractive
[00:42:34] or think that i have value
[00:42:36] i have value
[00:42:37] because i'm here
[00:42:39] because i'm a human being
[00:42:42] because i have a soul
[00:42:43] because i have things to offer
[00:42:46] and to contribute
[00:42:46] i am worth loving
[00:42:48] and i just have to keep telling myself that
[00:42:52] that i am loved in other ways
[00:42:55] bell hooks writes a lot about love
[00:42:58] and her work has been really influential for me
[00:43:04] communion all about love
[00:43:07] and she writes about a circle of love
[00:43:10] having a circle of love
[00:43:12] and i have that
[00:43:14] and that's what i try to focus on
[00:43:16] and i think love
[00:43:17] is the meaning of life
[00:43:20] not just romantic
[00:43:21] because i've known it from my parents
[00:43:23] and i've known it from friends
[00:43:25] that love is important
[00:43:28] and i think love
[00:43:30] is what gives us hope
[00:43:33] cultivating love
[00:43:34] should be
[00:43:36] the work of our lives
[00:43:38] it's sacred work
[00:43:40] it's valuable work
[00:43:42] it's essential work
[00:43:43] to cultivate love
[00:43:45] and to live for love
[00:43:48] to live from a place of love
[00:43:50] i truly believe that
[00:43:52] and that love comes in many forms
[00:43:56] and i'm grateful
[00:43:58] for what i do have
[00:44:00] i have known love
[00:44:01] i know that i am love
[00:44:04] and that's something
[00:44:06] even if it wasn't the kind of love
[00:44:09] that i might sometimes
[00:44:12] won't
[00:44:13] or ache for
[00:44:15] i love how marty and clara connect with each other
[00:44:19] and how the relationship blossoms from
[00:44:23] that
[00:44:25] it blossoms
[00:44:26] it's not like love at first sight
[00:44:29] is it
[00:44:30] it's love at first
[00:44:33] conversation
[00:44:34] or love at first opening
[00:44:37] like
[00:44:38] there's an emotional sharing
[00:44:40] and there's an emotional connection
[00:44:42] and i'm very much like that
[00:44:44] like i need an emotional connection to somebody
[00:44:47] i think
[00:44:48] to ever feel like love was developing
[00:44:53] i like that it's not love at first sight
[00:44:56] and something i really like about the film
[00:44:58] is that they chose betsy blair
[00:45:01] because i do think that in a lot of hollywood films
[00:45:05] even if a man
[00:45:07] doesn't fit beauty standards
[00:45:09] even if a man
[00:45:11] is not viewed as attractive
[00:45:13] they will often give him love interests
[00:45:16] who
[00:45:17] are like bombshells
[00:45:19] or models
[00:45:20] are much younger
[00:45:22] in the film
[00:45:24] betsy blair is supposed to be like 29
[00:45:26] and marty's 34
[00:45:29] i was so glad that they didn't give marty a love interest
[00:45:33] who was 20
[00:45:34] or 21
[00:45:35] and who looked like a model
[00:45:39] instead the film
[00:45:40] really decided to focus on two people
[00:45:43] who would be seen
[00:45:45] as average
[00:45:47] or just
[00:45:49] as outsiders
[00:45:50] in that way
[00:45:52] and i love that
[00:45:53] i really love that
[00:45:55] that it chose to focus on people
[00:45:57] who just look normal
[00:45:59] like people you just see in everyday life
[00:46:02] that's what gave the film
[00:46:05] even more depth
[00:46:06] and i could connect to it
[00:46:08] much more
[00:46:10] and i saw so much of myself
[00:46:13] in these characters
[00:46:14] i saw their humanity
[00:46:16] i saw their emotional depth
[00:46:19] i saw their tenderness
[00:46:20] with each other
[00:46:22] and their connection is beautiful
[00:46:24] when they're at the diner later on
[00:46:27] and they're talking
[00:46:28] they have a very vulnerable conversation
[00:46:32] again
[00:46:32] when they were dancing
[00:46:34] they were talking about
[00:46:35] he talked about how he cried
[00:46:37] how he was a professor of pain
[00:46:41] and then when they're talking at the diner
[00:46:43] marty admits that
[00:46:46] he hasn't always wanted to be alive
[00:46:49] that he's thought about
[00:46:51] killing himself
[00:46:53] honestly
[00:46:56] and clara understands
[00:46:59] she understands
[00:47:01] she knows what it's like
[00:47:03] to feel
[00:47:04] like you don't fit in
[00:47:06] like there's no place for you
[00:47:09] like you don't belong
[00:47:12] she doesn't look down on him
[00:47:14] because he's a butcher
[00:47:16] in fact
[00:47:17] she encourages him
[00:47:19] to buy the butcher shop
[00:47:20] that's something that he's
[00:47:21] thinking about in the film
[00:47:23] is buying the butcher shop
[00:47:26] she knows that he's a good person
[00:47:29] she can tell that he is a good man
[00:47:32] this is a film about a good man
[00:47:35] like a model of a good man
[00:47:40] usually i don't connect
[00:47:42] to male characters
[00:47:43] in films
[00:47:44] it's quite rare for me
[00:47:46] usually i tend to focus
[00:47:48] on films that are
[00:47:49] about women
[00:47:50] but marty was one of those
[00:47:52] rare films
[00:47:54] where i really connected
[00:47:55] to the man
[00:47:56] i think because marty
[00:48:00] had an emotional depth
[00:48:01] to him
[00:48:02] i felt like in that scene
[00:48:04] at the diner
[00:48:05] when they're talking
[00:48:06] to each other
[00:48:07] i felt like that was
[00:48:08] when they really felt seen
[00:48:10] i mean
[00:48:11] he barely knows her
[00:48:13] and he is already sharing
[00:48:16] these innermost
[00:48:17] demons
[00:48:18] these innermost
[00:48:20] secrets
[00:48:22] these very tender
[00:48:24] wounds
[00:48:24] these tender parts
[00:48:26] of himself
[00:48:26] he already feels
[00:48:29] safe with her
[00:48:30] he already feels
[00:48:32] connected to her
[00:48:34] and feels like
[00:48:36] she understands
[00:48:36] she tells him
[00:48:38] that he's the kindest
[00:48:39] man that she's ever
[00:48:40] met
[00:48:42] she sees
[00:48:43] that he is good
[00:48:44] and he sees
[00:48:45] that she's good
[00:48:46] and they live
[00:48:50] in this world
[00:48:51] where other people
[00:48:52] can't see their value
[00:48:53] but they see it
[00:48:56] it's like this rare
[00:48:58] moment
[00:48:58] where somebody
[00:49:00] finally sees them
[00:49:04] and sees
[00:49:06] their kindness
[00:49:07] and their goodness
[00:49:08] and how valuable
[00:49:09] they are
[00:49:11] that is so
[00:49:13] transformative
[00:49:14] when you feel
[00:49:15] valued by other people
[00:49:17] when you feel
[00:49:18] seen and supported
[00:49:21] it is
[00:49:22] transformative
[00:49:24] i've gotten to know
[00:49:25] it through
[00:49:26] some of my
[00:49:27] friendships
[00:49:27] and this podcast
[00:49:29] has been a source
[00:49:31] of
[00:49:32] that for me
[00:49:34] where i've been
[00:49:36] able to share
[00:49:36] my voice
[00:49:37] and i feel
[00:49:39] like people
[00:49:40] have valued
[00:49:41] that
[00:49:41] and that
[00:49:43] has helped
[00:49:43] me
[00:49:43] on my journey
[00:49:44] of self-love
[00:49:45] that it's
[00:49:46] almost like
[00:49:47] when other
[00:49:48] people can
[00:49:49] see
[00:49:50] something about
[00:49:51] you that
[00:49:52] you yourself
[00:49:53] can't see
[00:49:54] that's what
[00:49:55] can happen
[00:49:56] in friendships
[00:49:56] i think it
[00:49:57] can happen
[00:49:58] in romantic
[00:49:58] relationships
[00:49:59] as well
[00:50:00] where it's
[00:50:01] like another
[00:50:01] person sees
[00:50:02] something in
[00:50:04] you
[00:50:04] that you
[00:50:05] can't see
[00:50:06] because you
[00:50:07] only focus
[00:50:08] on your
[00:50:08] flaws
[00:50:09] or you
[00:50:10] focus on
[00:50:10] how you're
[00:50:10] not good
[00:50:11] enough
[00:50:11] or how
[00:50:12] you've
[00:50:13] never felt
[00:50:13] good enough
[00:50:14] or you
[00:50:15] focus on
[00:50:16] all the ways
[00:50:17] that people
[00:50:19] have treated
[00:50:19] you badly
[00:50:21] and so you've
[00:50:22] never been
[00:50:23] able to
[00:50:24] to see
[00:50:25] your own
[00:50:25] value
[00:50:26] and it's
[00:50:27] almost like
[00:50:28] other people
[00:50:28] have seen
[00:50:29] things in
[00:50:30] me
[00:50:31] that i
[00:50:32] wasn't able
[00:50:33] to access
[00:50:34] until they
[00:50:35] saw them
[00:50:36] until i
[00:50:37] felt like
[00:50:38] other people
[00:50:39] valued me
[00:50:40] i do
[00:50:41] take a
[00:50:42] bit of
[00:50:43] offense
[00:50:43] at the
[00:50:44] phrase
[00:50:44] you know
[00:50:45] you can't
[00:50:45] love others
[00:50:46] until you
[00:50:46] love yourself
[00:50:47] i understand
[00:50:49] it
[00:50:49] i know
[00:50:50] why we
[00:50:50] say it
[00:50:51] and i'm
[00:50:52] not saying
[00:50:52] that we
[00:50:53] shouldn't
[00:50:53] love
[00:50:53] ourselves
[00:50:54] but i
[00:50:55] do think
[00:50:56] some of
[00:50:57] us at
[00:50:57] least
[00:50:58] sometimes
[00:50:59] we're
[00:50:59] not able
[00:51:00] to fully
[00:51:01] love
[00:51:01] ourselves
[00:51:07] have
[00:51:09] have seen
[00:51:10] us
[00:51:10] the way
[00:51:11] that we
[00:51:11] need to
[00:51:11] be seen
[00:51:12] or valued
[00:51:14] us
[00:51:14] and sometimes
[00:51:15] we need
[00:51:17] that
[00:51:17] before we
[00:51:18] can kind
[00:51:19] of get
[00:51:19] to the
[00:51:20] place
[00:51:20] where we
[00:51:20] feel
[00:51:21] lovable
[00:51:21] or we
[00:51:22] feel
[00:51:23] valuable
[00:51:23] is that
[00:51:24] other people
[00:51:25] see our
[00:51:25] value
[00:51:26] and mirror
[00:51:27] it back
[00:51:27] to us
[00:51:28] and witness
[00:51:29] us
[00:51:30] and then
[00:51:32] we're able
[00:51:33] to see
[00:51:33] ourselves
[00:51:34] in new
[00:51:34] ways
[00:51:35] i think
[00:51:36] that's what's
[00:51:37] happening
[00:51:37] with clara
[00:51:38] and marty
[00:51:39] is that
[00:51:41] they're being
[00:51:41] seen
[00:51:42] in ways
[00:51:43] that they've
[00:51:43] never been
[00:51:44] seen before
[00:51:45] because if
[00:51:46] they've never
[00:51:46] had a romantic
[00:51:47] relationship
[00:51:48] i think the
[00:51:50] implication is
[00:51:51] that these
[00:51:51] two people
[00:51:52] have not
[00:51:53] really been
[00:51:53] in a
[00:51:53] relationship
[00:51:54] before
[00:51:55] i kind of
[00:51:56] got that
[00:51:56] sense with
[00:51:57] clara
[00:51:57] and with
[00:51:58] marty
[00:51:59] they've
[00:52:00] never really
[00:52:00] known what
[00:52:01] it's like
[00:52:02] for someone
[00:52:03] to want
[00:52:04] to be
[00:52:04] with them
[00:52:05] for someone
[00:52:06] to be
[00:52:06] attracted
[00:52:07] to them
[00:52:07] for someone
[00:52:08] to be
[00:52:09] interested
[00:52:09] in them
[00:52:10] and all
[00:52:11] of a sudden
[00:52:12] there it
[00:52:12] is
[00:52:13] you don't
[00:52:14] even know
[00:52:15] that you're
[00:52:15] what you're
[00:52:16] missing
[00:52:17] until you
[00:52:18] have it
[00:52:18] you don't
[00:52:19] even know
[00:52:20] what's been
[00:52:20] absent
[00:52:21] until it's
[00:52:21] present
[00:52:22] you don't
[00:52:23] even know
[00:52:23] what you've
[00:52:24] been deprived
[00:52:24] of until
[00:52:25] all of a
[00:52:26] sudden
[00:52:26] it materializes
[00:52:28] and now
[00:52:32] someone
[00:52:32] sees you
[00:52:33] someone wants
[00:52:35] to know
[00:52:35] you
[00:52:36] someone
[00:52:37] chooses
[00:52:38] to
[00:52:39] be with
[00:52:40] you
[00:52:40] and to
[00:52:41] invest
[00:52:42] their
[00:52:43] time
[00:52:43] into
[00:52:44] you
[00:52:44] and
[00:52:45] now
[00:52:46] maybe
[00:52:46] you
[00:52:47] can
[00:52:47] see
[00:52:47] yourself
[00:52:48] in a
[00:52:49] different
[00:52:49] way
[00:52:49] maybe
[00:52:50] you
[00:52:51] can
[00:52:51] start
[00:52:51] to
[00:52:51] write
[00:52:52] a
[00:52:52] different
[00:52:53] narrative
[00:52:53] about
[00:52:53] yourself
[00:52:55] maybe
[00:52:56] you
[00:52:57] can
[00:52:57] feel
[00:52:57] like
[00:52:59] you
[00:52:59] have
[00:52:59] worth
[00:52:59] it's
[00:53:01] you know
[00:53:02] it's all
[00:53:02] necessary
[00:53:03] of course
[00:53:03] you want
[00:53:04] to love
[00:53:04] yourself
[00:53:04] and have
[00:53:05] that come
[00:53:06] from within
[00:53:06] I do
[00:53:07] think
[00:53:07] that's
[00:53:07] important
[00:53:08] and it's
[00:53:09] something
[00:53:09] that I've
[00:53:10] been working
[00:53:10] on for
[00:53:11] a while
[00:53:11] is
[00:53:12] that inner
[00:53:13] core
[00:53:14] that knows
[00:53:15] that I
[00:53:16] am lovable
[00:53:16] but
[00:53:19] it's still
[00:53:20] hard
[00:53:20] it's hard
[00:53:21] when you
[00:53:22] don't feel
[00:53:22] seen
[00:53:22] it's
[00:53:23] hard
[00:53:24] when
[00:53:24] you're
[00:53:26] rejected
[00:53:26] when
[00:53:27] you're
[00:53:28] an
[00:53:28] outcast
[00:53:28] if
[00:53:31] we're
[00:53:31] never
[00:53:32] seen
[00:53:32] by
[00:53:32] other
[00:53:33] people
[00:53:33] how
[00:53:34] does
[00:53:35] that
[00:53:35] limit
[00:53:35] our
[00:53:36] lives
[00:53:36] how
[00:53:36] does
[00:53:36] that
[00:53:37] limit
[00:53:37] the
[00:53:38] ways
[00:53:38] that
[00:53:39] we
[00:53:39] see
[00:53:39] ourselves
[00:53:40] and
[00:53:41] what
[00:53:41] we
[00:53:41] think
[00:53:42] is
[00:53:42] possible
[00:53:42] for
[00:53:43] our
[00:53:43] lives
[00:53:43] I
[00:53:44] do
[00:53:45] believe
[00:53:45] that
[00:53:45] we
[00:53:45] need
[00:53:45] to
[00:53:46] be
[00:53:46] witnessed
[00:53:47] by
[00:53:47] other
[00:53:47] people
[00:53:48] we
[00:53:48] do
[00:53:49] need
[00:53:49] human
[00:53:49] connection
[00:53:50] we
[00:53:52] can't
[00:53:52] live
[00:53:52] in
[00:53:53] isolation
[00:53:54] or
[00:53:55] loneliness
[00:53:56] because
[00:53:58] those
[00:53:59] things
[00:53:59] are so
[00:54:00] devastating
[00:54:01] and so
[00:54:02] damaging
[00:54:03] and I've
[00:54:04] lived it
[00:54:05] I've
[00:54:06] lived it
[00:54:06] for a
[00:54:06] lot of
[00:54:07] my
[00:54:07] life
[00:54:08] invisibility
[00:54:10] is
[00:54:11] deeply
[00:54:12] painful
[00:54:13] and
[00:54:13] self
[00:54:14] hatred
[00:54:14] is
[00:54:15] devastating
[00:54:16] I
[00:54:17] truly
[00:54:18] believe
[00:54:18] self
[00:54:18] hatred
[00:54:19] is one
[00:54:20] of the
[00:54:20] worst
[00:54:20] things
[00:54:21] that
[00:54:21] you
[00:54:22] can
[00:54:22] have
[00:54:22] inside
[00:54:23] you
[00:54:24] when
[00:54:24] you
[00:54:25] hate
[00:54:25] yourself
[00:54:26] you
[00:54:27] cannot
[00:54:27] do
[00:54:27] anything
[00:54:28] you
[00:54:29] don't
[00:54:29] see
[00:54:29] possibilities
[00:54:30] you
[00:54:31] don't
[00:54:32] do
[00:54:32] anything
[00:54:33] with
[00:54:33] your
[00:54:33] life
[00:54:34] you
[00:54:34] think
[00:54:35] that
[00:54:35] you're
[00:54:35] nothing
[00:54:35] I
[00:54:36] have
[00:54:36] believed
[00:54:37] that
[00:54:37] I'm
[00:54:38] just
[00:54:38] nothing
[00:54:38] that's
[00:54:39] what
[00:54:40] I've
[00:54:40] struggled
[00:54:40] with
[00:54:51] deep
[00:54:53] indestructible
[00:54:53] sense
[00:54:55] that I
[00:54:56] am
[00:54:56] nothing
[00:54:56] and
[00:54:57] that
[00:54:57] is
[00:54:57] because
[00:54:58] of
[00:54:58] experiences
[00:54:59] that
[00:54:59] I've
[00:54:59] had
[00:55:00] and
[00:55:00] the
[00:55:01] invisibility
[00:55:01] and
[00:55:03] just
[00:55:03] not
[00:55:03] feeling
[00:55:03] loved
[00:55:04] by
[00:55:04] other
[00:55:04] people
[00:55:05] except
[00:55:05] for
[00:55:05] my
[00:55:06] parents
[00:55:06] I
[00:55:07] didn't
[00:55:07] really
[00:55:08] start
[00:55:08] to
[00:55:08] have
[00:55:09] a
[00:55:10] supportive
[00:55:10] system
[00:55:11] and
[00:55:13] a
[00:55:13] circle
[00:55:13] of
[00:55:14] friends
[00:55:14] and
[00:55:14] circle
[00:55:15] of
[00:55:15] love
[00:55:15] until
[00:55:16] the
[00:55:16] last
[00:55:17] few
[00:55:17] years
[00:55:17] so
[00:55:18] for
[00:55:19] much
[00:55:19] of
[00:55:19] my
[00:55:19] life
[00:55:21] I
[00:55:21] just
[00:55:22] did
[00:55:22] not
[00:55:22] feel
[00:55:23] lovable
[00:55:23] I
[00:55:24] did
[00:55:24] not
[00:55:24] feel
[00:55:24] like
[00:55:25] I
[00:55:25] had
[00:55:25] any
[00:55:25] worth
[00:55:25] I
[00:55:27] felt
[00:55:27] like
[00:55:27] nothing
[00:55:27] I
[00:55:28] hated
[00:55:29] myself
[00:55:29] and
[00:55:30] I
[00:55:30] was
[00:55:30] very
[00:55:30] self
[00:55:31] destructive
[00:55:31] the
[00:55:32] last
[00:55:32] few
[00:55:33] years
[00:55:33] have
[00:55:34] been
[00:55:35] about
[00:55:35] me
[00:55:35] trying
[00:55:36] to
[00:55:36] reverse
[00:55:38] some
[00:55:38] of
[00:55:38] that
[00:55:39] rip
[00:55:40] out
[00:55:41] the
[00:55:41] self
[00:55:41] hatred
[00:55:42] really
[00:55:43] start
[00:55:44] to
[00:55:44] fight
[00:55:44] for
[00:55:44] myself
[00:55:45] to
[00:55:46] give
[00:55:47] myself
[00:55:47] love
[00:55:47] and
[00:55:48] compassion
[00:55:48] and
[00:55:49] care
[00:55:49] to
[00:55:50] rewrite
[00:55:50] those
[00:55:51] scripts
[00:55:51] and
[00:55:52] those
[00:55:52] narratives
[00:55:53] that
[00:55:53] have
[00:55:53] told
[00:55:53] me
[00:55:54] you're
[00:55:54] ugly
[00:55:55] you're
[00:55:55] worthless
[00:55:56] you're
[00:55:57] unlovable
[00:55:57] those
[00:55:58] constant
[00:55:59] voices
[00:55:59] in my
[00:56:00] head
[00:56:00] telling
[00:56:00] me
[00:56:01] you're
[00:56:02] nothing
[00:56:02] and
[00:56:03] you
[00:56:03] never
[00:56:03] will
[00:56:03] be
[00:56:03] anything
[00:56:04] and
[00:56:06] nobody
[00:56:07] cares
[00:56:07] about
[00:56:07] you
[00:56:08] it's
[00:56:09] so
[00:56:09] devastating
[00:56:11] to
[00:56:12] think
[00:56:13] those
[00:56:13] things
[00:56:13] about
[00:56:14] yourself
[00:56:14] for
[00:56:15] decades
[00:56:16] but
[00:56:17] I'm
[00:56:17] trying
[00:56:18] trying
[00:56:19] to undo
[00:56:19] it
[00:56:20] and
[00:56:21] so
[00:56:22] Marty
[00:56:23] and
[00:56:23] Clara
[00:56:23] are
[00:56:24] able
[00:56:25] to
[00:56:25] witness
[00:56:26] each
[00:56:27] other
[00:56:27] and
[00:56:27] see
[00:56:28] each
[00:56:28] other
[00:56:28] and
[00:56:29] they
[00:56:29] have
[00:56:30] these
[00:56:30] profound
[00:56:30] moments
[00:56:31] where
[00:56:32] they
[00:56:32] have
[00:56:33] conversations
[00:56:34] where
[00:56:35] they
[00:56:35] open
[00:56:36] up
[00:56:36] where
[00:56:36] they're
[00:56:37] vulnerable
[00:56:37] and
[00:56:39] that
[00:56:39] forges
[00:56:40] something
[00:56:40] very
[00:56:41] deep
[00:56:41] between
[00:56:42] the
[00:56:42] two
[00:56:42] of
[00:56:42] them
[00:56:43] I
[00:56:44] believe
[00:56:44] that
[00:56:45] love
[00:56:45] love
[00:56:46] takes
[00:56:47] not only
[00:56:48] vulnerability
[00:56:48] but it
[00:56:49] takes
[00:56:49] courage
[00:56:49] it
[00:56:51] truly
[00:56:51] takes
[00:56:51] courage
[00:56:52] and
[00:56:53] Marty
[00:56:53] I think
[00:56:54] learns
[00:56:54] that
[00:56:55] in this
[00:56:55] film
[00:56:57] as the
[00:56:58] film
[00:56:58] goes
[00:56:58] on
[00:56:59] his
[00:57:00] mother
[00:57:01] is very
[00:57:01] critical
[00:57:02] of
[00:57:02] Clara
[00:57:02] and
[00:57:05] he
[00:57:05] starts
[00:57:06] to
[00:57:06] kind of
[00:57:07] believe
[00:57:08] some of
[00:57:08] that
[00:57:08] at
[00:57:09] first
[00:57:10] and
[00:57:12] he
[00:57:12] sort
[00:57:13] of
[00:57:13] has
[00:57:13] these
[00:57:13] doubts
[00:57:14] about
[00:57:14] the
[00:57:14] relationship
[00:57:15] or
[00:57:16] about
[00:57:16] the
[00:57:16] connection
[00:57:17] he's
[00:57:18] kind
[00:57:18] of
[00:57:18] letting
[00:57:18] society
[00:57:19] get
[00:57:20] into
[00:57:20] his
[00:57:20] head
[00:57:21] and
[00:57:21] letting
[00:57:22] his
[00:57:22] mom's
[00:57:23] opinions
[00:57:24] of
[00:57:25] Clara
[00:57:25] get
[00:57:26] into
[00:57:26] his
[00:57:27] head
[00:57:27] but
[00:57:28] by
[00:57:28] the
[00:57:28] end
[00:57:29] of
[00:57:29] the
[00:57:29] film
[00:57:29] he
[00:57:29] realizes
[00:57:31] if
[00:57:32] I
[00:57:32] don't
[00:57:32] hold
[00:57:32] on
[00:57:32] to
[00:57:33] this
[00:57:33] person
[00:57:34] I'm
[00:57:35] going
[00:57:35] to
[00:57:35] be
[00:57:35] missing
[00:57:36] out
[00:57:36] on
[00:57:36] somebody
[00:57:37] special
[00:57:37] he's
[00:57:38] able
[00:57:38] to
[00:57:39] block
[00:57:39] all
[00:57:39] of
[00:57:39] that
[00:57:40] out
[00:57:40] and
[00:57:41] to
[00:57:41] pursue
[00:57:43] a
[00:57:43] relationship
[00:57:44] with
[00:57:44] Clara
[00:57:46] and
[00:57:47] he
[00:57:48] knows
[00:57:48] that
[00:57:49] he
[00:57:49] has
[00:57:49] stumbled
[00:57:49] upon
[00:57:50] something
[00:57:51] very
[00:57:51] special
[00:57:52] and
[00:57:53] miraculous
[00:57:55] he's
[00:57:55] gone
[00:57:56] all
[00:57:56] these
[00:57:56] years
[00:57:57] and
[00:57:57] struggled
[00:57:57] to
[00:57:58] find
[00:57:58] anybody
[00:57:58] and
[00:57:59] then
[00:57:59] he
[00:58:00] meets
[00:58:00] her
[00:58:02] and
[00:58:02] he
[00:58:03] wants
[00:58:03] to
[00:58:03] hold
[00:58:04] on
[00:58:04] to
[00:58:04] her
[00:58:04] and
[00:58:05] he
[00:58:05] wants
[00:58:05] to
[00:58:05] be
[00:58:06] with
[00:58:06] her
[00:58:06] and
[00:58:07] he's
[00:58:07] able
[00:58:07] to
[00:58:07] block
[00:58:08] out
[00:58:08] those
[00:58:08] criticisms
[00:58:09] and
[00:58:10] all
[00:58:10] that
[00:58:10] societal
[00:58:11] stuff
[00:58:11] about
[00:58:12] what
[00:58:12] she
[00:58:13] looks
[00:58:13] like
[00:58:14] and
[00:58:14] all
[00:58:15] kinds
[00:58:15] of
[00:58:15] crap
[00:58:15] and
[00:58:17] to
[00:58:17] open
[00:58:19] himself
[00:58:19] up
[00:58:20] to the
[00:58:21] possibility
[00:58:21] of love
[00:58:22] and a
[00:58:23] relationship
[00:58:24] because
[00:58:25] it is
[00:58:26] scary
[00:58:26] it could
[00:58:28] go
[00:58:28] bad
[00:58:29] there could
[00:58:30] be
[00:58:30] heartbreak
[00:58:30] there's
[00:58:31] a lot
[00:58:31] of ways
[00:58:31] that it
[00:58:32] could
[00:58:32] go
[00:58:32] when
[00:58:33] you
[00:58:33] open
[00:58:34] your
[00:58:34] heart
[00:58:34] to
[00:58:34] somebody
[00:58:35] it
[00:58:35] is
[00:58:36] risky
[00:58:36] it
[00:58:36] takes
[00:58:37] risk
[00:58:37] it
[00:58:39] takes
[00:58:39] courage
[00:58:40] and
[00:58:40] it
[00:58:40] takes
[00:58:41] bravery
[00:58:41] to
[00:58:41] love
[00:58:42] in
[00:58:42] this
[00:58:42] world
[00:58:42] I
[00:58:43] truly
[00:58:44] believe
[00:58:44] that
[00:58:44] and
[00:58:45] not
[00:58:45] everybody's
[00:58:46] up to
[00:58:46] the
[00:58:46] task
[00:58:47] of
[00:58:47] it
[00:58:47] but
[00:58:47] I
[00:58:47] think
[00:58:48] that
[00:58:48] Marty
[00:58:48] is
[00:58:49] and
[00:58:52] he
[00:58:52] goes
[00:58:52] for
[00:58:53] it
[00:58:54] and
[00:58:54] he
[00:58:55] decides
[00:58:56] to
[00:58:56] block
[00:58:57] all
[00:58:57] that
[00:58:57] other
[00:58:57] stuff
[00:58:58] out
[00:58:58] I
[00:58:59] think
[00:58:59] Marty's
[00:58:59] mother
[00:59:00] is
[00:59:00] an
[00:59:00] interesting
[00:59:00] character
[00:59:01] I
[00:59:01] think
[00:59:01] in
[00:59:02] some
[00:59:03] ways
[00:59:03] she's
[00:59:03] scared
[00:59:04] to
[00:59:04] lose
[00:59:04] him
[00:59:05] the
[00:59:06] film
[00:59:06] does
[00:59:07] a
[00:59:07] very
[00:59:07] good
[00:59:07] job
[00:59:08] of
[00:59:08] showing
[00:59:09] what
[00:59:09] it's
[00:59:09] like
[00:59:09] to
[00:59:10] be
[00:59:10] an
[00:59:10] aging
[00:59:10] widow
[00:59:15] Marty's
[00:59:15] mother
[00:59:16] is
[00:59:17] a
[00:59:17] widow
[00:59:18] and
[00:59:19] she's
[00:59:19] by
[00:59:19] herself
[00:59:20] except
[00:59:20] for
[00:59:21] living
[00:59:21] with
[00:59:21] Marty
[00:59:22] and
[00:59:23] so
[00:59:23] on
[00:59:23] the
[00:59:23] one
[00:59:24] hand
[00:59:24] I
[00:59:24] think
[00:59:24] obviously
[00:59:25] she's
[00:59:25] a
[00:59:25] mother
[00:59:26] who
[00:59:26] wants
[00:59:26] the
[00:59:26] best
[00:59:26] for
[00:59:27] her
[00:59:27] son
[00:59:29] but
[00:59:29] she's
[00:59:30] also
[00:59:30] scared
[00:59:30] of
[00:59:31] being
[00:59:31] alone
[00:59:32] if
[00:59:33] Marty
[00:59:33] gets
[00:59:34] married
[00:59:34] or
[00:59:35] Marty
[00:59:35] has
[00:59:35] a
[00:59:35] relationship
[00:59:36] and
[00:59:37] starts
[00:59:37] his
[00:59:37] own
[00:59:37] family
[00:59:38] what's
[00:59:39] going
[00:59:39] to
[00:59:39] happen
[00:59:39] to
[00:59:39] her
[00:59:40] and
[00:59:42] so
[00:59:42] the
[00:59:43] film
[00:59:43] is
[00:59:43] exploring
[00:59:44] loneliness
[00:59:44] in
[00:59:45] a lot
[00:59:45] of
[00:59:45] different
[00:59:46] ways
[00:59:46] there's
[00:59:47] Marty's
[00:59:47] loneliness
[00:59:48] there's
[00:59:49] Clara's
[00:59:49] loneliness
[00:59:50] and
[00:59:50] then
[00:59:51] there's
[00:59:51] Marty's
[00:59:52] mother
[00:59:53] and
[00:59:53] her
[00:59:54] loneliness
[00:59:54] as
[00:59:57] an
[00:59:57] older
[00:59:58] woman
[00:59:58] and
[01:00:01] it
[01:00:01] I
[01:00:02] think
[01:00:02] it
[01:00:03] makes
[01:00:03] Marty's
[01:00:04] relationship
[01:00:05] with
[01:00:05] Clara
[01:00:05] even
[01:00:06] more
[01:00:06] urgent
[01:00:06] he's
[01:00:07] already
[01:00:08] 34
[01:00:11] it's
[01:00:12] hard to
[01:00:12] be
[01:00:12] alone
[01:00:13] hard to
[01:00:14] be
[01:00:14] alone
[01:00:15] in the
[01:00:15] world
[01:00:15] it's
[01:00:16] hard to
[01:00:17] not have
[01:00:17] love
[01:00:18] it's
[01:00:19] hard to
[01:00:20] like
[01:00:20] not have
[01:00:20] that
[01:00:21] support
[01:00:21] that
[01:00:22] partnership
[01:00:22] that
[01:00:23] companionship
[01:00:24] it's
[01:00:25] really
[01:00:25] hard to
[01:00:26] live
[01:00:26] without
[01:00:26] companionship
[01:00:28] that's
[01:00:28] why so
[01:00:29] many
[01:00:29] people
[01:00:29] are in
[01:00:30] relationships
[01:00:30] and go
[01:00:31] from one
[01:00:32] to the
[01:00:32] other
[01:00:32] for some
[01:00:33] people
[01:00:34] relationships
[01:00:34] just drop
[01:00:35] from the
[01:00:35] sky
[01:00:36] they're
[01:00:36] always
[01:00:37] getting
[01:00:37] in
[01:00:37] relationships
[01:00:38] always
[01:00:38] finding
[01:00:39] people
[01:00:39] and
[01:00:40] then
[01:00:40] there's
[01:00:41] me
[01:00:43] then
[01:00:44] there's
[01:00:44] people
[01:00:45] like me
[01:00:45] and
[01:00:45] Marty
[01:00:46] where
[01:00:47] who
[01:00:47] knows
[01:00:48] it's
[01:00:48] like
[01:00:48] lightning
[01:00:49] striking
[01:00:49] you know
[01:00:50] it may
[01:00:51] happen
[01:00:51] it may
[01:00:51] not
[01:00:52] but for
[01:00:53] Marty
[01:00:53] the
[01:00:54] lightning
[01:00:54] strikes
[01:00:55] and he
[01:00:56] finds
[01:00:57] Clara
[01:00:58] and I
[01:00:58] love
[01:00:59] that he
[01:01:00] doesn't
[01:01:00] let his
[01:01:01] fears
[01:01:03] stop
[01:01:03] him
[01:01:04] from
[01:01:05] pursuing
[01:01:05] a
[01:01:05] relationship
[01:01:06] with her
[01:01:07] he wants
[01:01:08] to be
[01:01:09] with her
[01:01:09] she wants
[01:01:09] to be
[01:01:10] with him
[01:01:10] why
[01:01:10] shouldn't
[01:01:10] they be
[01:01:11] together
[01:01:11] why
[01:01:12] shouldn't
[01:01:12] they
[01:01:13] explore
[01:01:13] it
[01:01:14] he's
[01:01:15] got
[01:01:15] it
[01:01:15] in
[01:01:15] his
[01:01:15] hands
[01:01:16] he's
[01:01:17] got
[01:01:17] this
[01:01:17] precious
[01:01:18] precious
[01:01:18] gift
[01:01:19] that's
[01:01:20] been
[01:01:20] given
[01:01:20] to him
[01:01:22] here
[01:01:23] is a
[01:01:23] chance
[01:01:23] for
[01:01:24] real
[01:01:24] connection
[01:01:25] here
[01:01:25] is a
[01:01:26] way
[01:01:26] out
[01:01:27] of
[01:01:27] the
[01:01:27] loneliness
[01:01:28] here
[01:01:29] is
[01:01:29] the
[01:01:29] key
[01:01:30] the
[01:01:30] key
[01:01:31] is
[01:01:31] your
[01:01:32] vulnerability
[01:01:32] the
[01:01:33] key
[01:01:33] is
[01:01:33] your
[01:01:33] bravery
[01:01:34] the
[01:01:35] key
[01:01:35] is
[01:01:35] to
[01:01:35] open
[01:01:36] yourself
[01:01:36] up
[01:01:36] to
[01:01:36] love
[01:01:37] and
[01:01:38] I
[01:01:38] hope
[01:01:38] that
[01:01:39] if
[01:01:39] I'm
[01:01:39] ever
[01:01:39] in
[01:01:40] the
[01:01:40] position
[01:01:40] of
[01:01:40] Marty
[01:01:42] and
[01:01:44] it
[01:01:45] comes
[01:01:45] to
[01:01:45] me
[01:01:46] and
[01:01:47] it
[01:01:47] presents
[01:01:47] itself
[01:01:48] to
[01:01:48] me
[01:01:48] I
[01:01:49] hope
[01:01:49] that
[01:01:49] I
[01:01:49] won't
[01:01:50] run
[01:01:50] away
[01:01:50] that
[01:01:51] I'll
[01:01:51] take
[01:01:52] it
[01:01:52] in
[01:01:52] my
[01:01:52] hands
[01:01:52] and
[01:01:53] that
[01:01:53] I'll
[01:01:53] be
[01:01:54] brave
[01:01:54] enough
[01:01:54] to
[01:01:55] love
[01:01:55] and
[01:01:56] be
[01:01:56] loved
[01:01:56] one
[01:01:56] day
[01:01:57] if
[01:01:57] I
[01:01:58] am
[01:01:58] able
[01:01:59] to
[01:01:59] have
[01:01:59] that
[01:02:00] but
[01:02:01] even
[01:02:01] if
[01:02:01] it
[01:02:50] want
[01:02:50] thanks
[01:03:01] to
[01:03:02] love
[01:03:04] that
[01:03:04] we
[01:03:04] should
[01:03:04] all
[01:03:05] want
[01:03:05] to
[01:03:05] have
[01:03:05] but
[01:03:06] we
[01:03:06] don't
[01:03:06] all
[01:03:06] find
[01:03:07] it
[01:03:07] it
[01:03:08] only
[01:03:08] happens
[01:03:09] for
[01:03:09] some
[01:03:09] of
[01:03:09] us
[01:03:10] where
[01:03:11] we
[01:03:11] find
[01:03:11] real
[01:03:12] connection
[01:03:12] deep
[01:03:13] connection
[01:03:15] and Marty learns that he has to be brave and he has to be courageous and he has to
[01:03:22] open his heart and she has to open her her heart too I love how even though
[01:03:30] they've been lonely they don't run away from it they don't get scared by it in the end
[01:03:38] they really they're open to each other and we don't know what will happen but at least they've met at
[01:03:46] least they've found each other I do think that love can be like a homecoming I really think that's
[01:03:54] how I view love it's like coming home and finding somebody who truly understands you and that's what
[01:04:04] they find it's like this beautiful love story in a way even though it's like at the beginning
[01:04:10] some it's at the beginning of a love story that could be a love story and it starts with
[01:04:19] connection it starts with emotional connection rather than just oh we looked across the ballroom
[01:04:27] and saw each other and fell in love actually they're falling in love by sharing themselves
[01:04:34] with each other and opening up about their vulnerabilities opening up about the loneliness
[01:04:40] opening up about the fears about the demons and the struggles but not in a way when they're talking
[01:04:48] in the diner it's not like well let me tell you my deepest darkest secrets and all of this in a negative
[01:04:55] way it's let me show you this hidden part of me let me show you how I feel let me show you who I really
[01:05:11] am let me give you access and really it's him being the vulnerable one because he's the one that says I
[01:05:21] you know about crying and he talks about not always wanting to be alive he's the one sharing he's the one kind of
[01:05:31] bearing his soul to her and she's able to receive it and to be moved and touched by it and to see that there's a man
[01:05:42] in front of her who is deep who is authentic and who is real he's not performing he's not putting on a show
[01:05:56] he's not trying to seduce her he's not lying to her he's not using her or misleading her
[01:06:05] he's being himself with her and maybe she's the first woman he's ever been himself with
[01:06:11] and maybe he's the first man she's been herself with and shouldn't that be what love is is that we
[01:06:17] are more ourselves with another person not less we're not hiding we're not performing
[01:06:27] we are fully ourselves with another person that's what I think it should be
[01:06:35] is being our true full authentic selves with somebody else that's what I think love should be
[01:06:43] what I think it should be based on and it's not that they don't find each other attractive or something
[01:06:51] obviously they're attracted to each other but there's something deeper going on in the interaction
[01:06:59] than just oh well I think you're attractive it's all of it mixed together and I think love is mysterious
[01:07:09] attraction is mysterious it's why you can't quantify it or even explain it or control it or contrive it
[01:07:19] or manufacture it it has to be two people choosing it and and both feeling it not one and and then the others not feeling it
[01:07:33] it's these two people who have to come together
[01:07:39] and it's mysterious and it's a mystery that I haven't really known
[01:07:46] it's like this part of the human experience that eludes me and there's nothing I can do about it
[01:07:56] but accept it make peace with it it hasn't happened yet for me I don't know what will happen I don't know
[01:08:04] if I'll meet a Marty I don't know if I'll meet somebody like that where I feel that really deep
[01:08:12] mysterious maybe transcendent connection
[01:08:16] and have it be mutual and reciprocated but I wanted to talk about it I wanted to talk about this film
[01:08:27] I'm not trying to make myself into a victim or woe is me or anything like that
[01:08:34] I just wanted to be truthful about my life and about my experiences
[01:08:41] and it is a very deep wound but I'm glad that I talked about it
[01:08:45] I do think that in sharing it maybe I lessened some of the shame about it
[01:08:51] it's just one facet of me it's just one part of my life
[01:08:55] I think I went through a period where it became all of me
[01:09:00] where I didn't know how to like get past the pain of it
[01:09:04] and the rejection and just feeling so unlovable
[01:09:09] but I think I've made some strides toward
[01:09:13] finding more peace and acceptance with it
[01:09:17] and yeah and I think this film maybe was part of it
[01:09:23] I just love seeing them connect with each other
[01:09:28] and it just shows you that it's never too late
[01:09:32] and you never know when love could find you
[01:09:34] you never know when it could happen
[01:09:38] I would never close myself off to it
[01:09:40] I don't think we should
[01:09:41] I don't think we should close ourselves off to love
[01:09:45] but I also can't sit around and wait for it
[01:09:48] and I can't fall apart over it
[01:09:52] and I can't be desperate for it
[01:09:54] because I think desperation can be very dangerous
[01:09:58] I have to find wholeness within myself
[01:10:01] and I have to love myself regardless of what happens
[01:10:07] in that area of my life
[01:10:10] but this was a beautiful film
[01:10:12] it made me feel seen
[01:10:13] made me feel less alone
[01:10:16] and that's what I tried to do with this episode
[01:10:19] I hope that somebody comes across it
[01:10:22] when they need to find it
[01:10:23] and maybe they'll feel less alone
[01:10:25] in the process of listening to it
[01:10:29] I love this film
[01:10:31] and I'm glad that I was able to talk about it
[01:10:34] and share everything that I felt
[01:10:36] thank you for listening
[01:10:38] until next time
[01:10:40] keep watching great films
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