Delbert Mann's 'Marty' (1955)
Her Head in FilmsAugust 17, 202401:11:02

Delbert Mann's 'Marty' (1955)

In this episode, I talk about Delbert Mann's precious 1955 film, "Marty." It tells the story of Marty, a 34-year-old butcher who has struggled all his life to find love. One night, he meets Clara, a woman who can relate to his loneliness. This is a film about the pain of invisibility and the power of connection. It's about what it means to finally feel seen after a lifetime of rejection.

This is a deeply personal episode for me, but it's one that I hope reaches anyone who might need to hear it and to be reminded that they are not alone.

The audio quality is the best I could provide right now. Apologies if it is not up-to-par for some. I did my best.

Note: I am not doing regular or consistent episodes, but I will release an episode when I feel I have something of value to say about a film.

You can follow me on Instagram, Letterboxd, and Tumblr. My email is herheadinfilms@gmail.com.

[00:00:18] Hello, welcome to another episode of Her Head in Films. I'm Caitlin and I'm your host. On this podcast, I share my thoughts and feelings about the films I watch. They tend to be art house and world cinema.

[00:00:32] What makes this podcast unique is that I weave together my life experiences with a personal and emotional discussion of film. I explore the impact that cinema has on me and why I connect so deeply to it. As I like to say, my head isn't in the clouds, my head is in films.

[00:00:55] Today's episode is about Delbert Manns 1955 film Marty. It stars Ernest Borgnine as the titular character, Marty, who is 34 and a butcher and he's single.

[00:01:11] He struggles and has struggled for much of his life to find love and companionship. He meets Clara, played by Betsy Blair, and she's in a similar circumstance.

[00:01:25] And these two very lonely souls connect with one another. This film is a very powerful exploration about loneliness, about what it's like to be in the world and to not fit beauty standards, to be kind of like an outcast, to be rejected.

[00:01:51] But to then miraculously find another person who understands you and who sees you and wants to know you.

[00:02:03] And so there's a kind of hope about the film. It's quite unknown. It's pretty obscure.

[00:02:09] It's a film from the 1950s that made me feel seen in a way that I didn't expect when I started watching it.

[00:02:22] It's very rare for me to come across a film like this, where I feel like parts of my life experience and my own pain are reflected on the screen through the characters and the story.

[00:02:40] And that's how I felt about Marty. It's become very precious to me.

[00:02:44] It is such a tender and beautiful film.

[00:02:48] This will be a difficult episode for me.

[00:02:52] I've tried to record it multiple times and it just keeps unraveling the more that I talk.

[00:03:00] I start to ramble and it doesn't work.

[00:03:03] I'm going to do my best to articulate why this film is so important to me.

[00:03:10] But in order for me to do that, I have to go into a very deep wound inside me.

[00:03:18] And I have to explore a subject that is incredibly painful for me.

[00:03:28] And I guess expose my shame.

[00:03:32] I feel a lot of shame about this part of my life or this area of my life.

[00:03:39] But I'm doing this episode and I'm going to be talking about some of these very painful things.

[00:03:47] Because I hope that in me sharing my story and me sharing my struggles,

[00:03:54] that somebody else who's listening, particularly women who might be out there listening to this,

[00:04:02] I hope that my voice reaches somebody who needs to hear this episode.

[00:04:09] And I hope that they feel seen the way that Marty made me feel seen.

[00:04:16] And I hope that this episode can be a way to shatter that shame that I feel.

[00:04:26] And to connect with other people who might understand this experience and understand what I'm talking about.

[00:04:37] This is one of the deepest wounds of my life.

[00:04:42] It's a wound that I feel like I cannot heal.

[00:04:46] And maybe one step to healing it is to expose it to the light.

[00:04:53] I think light can kind of be like an antiseptic.

[00:04:57] Particularly when it comes to shame.

[00:05:01] That the more you hide it, the more it's in the dark, I think the more powerful it grows.

[00:05:07] I'm haunted by this sense that I am unlovable.

[00:05:13] That's the wound.

[00:05:14] Is that I don't feel lovable.

[00:05:18] And I felt it since I was a little girl.

[00:05:21] I'm 35 years old as I record this episode.

[00:05:25] When I watched Marty, I was his age.

[00:05:28] I was 34.

[00:05:30] That's also why I feel so seen by the film.

[00:05:33] I'm 35 years old.

[00:05:35] And I have never been in a romantic relationship.

[00:05:41] I have never known romantic love.

[00:05:45] I've never had a man show interest in me.

[00:05:49] I've never dated.

[00:05:51] I've never had a man find me attractive or want to be with me.

[00:05:56] I've never had my feelings for a man reciprocated.

[00:06:01] I have just never known mutual attraction.

[00:06:05] I've never had a man find me attractive or compliment me or want to be with me.

[00:06:12] I've never known what it's like to have my feelings returned or be in a mutual romantic relationship with a man.

[00:06:21] And that's what I'm ashamed of.

[00:06:25] I'm ashamed of it because we live in a world where that's what women are defined by.

[00:06:32] We live in a patriarchal society that tells women that they are defined by, first of all, their looks, their attractiveness, their desirability.

[00:06:42] I don't have any of that.

[00:06:45] And secondly, we're defined by attracting men, having a man, being in a romantic relationship.

[00:06:56] And also, it's part of the human experience.

[00:07:02] It's part of the human condition to fall in love, to know romantic love and sexuality.

[00:07:09] I haven't necessarily chosen this.

[00:07:13] It just didn't happen.

[00:07:15] Nobody ever showed interest in me or wanted to be with me.

[00:07:19] When I was a little girl and I was about five or six, I started to gain weight.

[00:07:25] And I have struggled with my weight for my entire life.

[00:07:30] And I was treated really badly.

[00:07:32] I've been treated really badly because of my weight.

[00:07:35] I've never fit beauty standards.

[00:07:38] And what my weight did is that it made me feel like I was never enough.

[00:07:48] That I was never good enough.

[00:07:50] I certainly wasn't thin enough.

[00:07:52] I wasn't pretty enough or attractive enough.

[00:07:56] And I could feel it in the way that I was treated by boys and later on men, by my family, by classmates, by people out in the world.

[00:08:06] I felt very dehumanized.

[00:08:09] And I had this seed of self-hatred planted inside me and inside my soul.

[00:08:18] And it has grown and grown and it led to a lot of self-destruction.

[00:08:25] And it is just...

[00:08:28] This is one of the deepest wounds of my life.

[00:08:31] And I don't know fully how to heal it.

[00:08:34] I'm trying.

[00:08:35] I'm trying to love myself.

[00:08:38] But in the back of my mind, there's all that history.

[00:08:42] There's everything from when I was a little girl and being invisible.

[00:08:49] Either being totally invisible or being targeted with ridicule and cruelty.

[00:08:56] Particularly by boys.

[00:08:59] And later on by men.

[00:09:00] And so I'm trying to rip out, like by the roots, that self-hatred.

[00:09:08] I'm fighting every day to rip it out.

[00:09:13] And to feel that I am lovable.

[00:09:16] But I'm haunted by the feeling that I am unlovable.

[00:09:21] And that nobody will ever love me romantically.

[00:09:28] I feel this deep aching to be loved.

[00:09:33] And to know love.

[00:09:36] And I don't know if I ever will.

[00:09:38] I don't know if I will find the love that I need.

[00:09:45] Or that I will be loved in the way that I deserve to be loved.

[00:09:49] As you get older, it's one thing to be 20.

[00:09:52] And to never have been in a relationship.

[00:09:56] To not be asked out on dates.

[00:09:58] Or hold somebody's hand.

[00:10:01] Or talk all night with somebody.

[00:10:04] And share yourself with someone.

[00:10:08] It's very different to be 35.

[00:10:11] And everybody around you is having children.

[00:10:15] Getting married.

[00:10:17] And by that point, everybody's known love.

[00:10:20] You know, people have fallen in love.

[00:10:23] They've explored their desires.

[00:10:26] Their sexuality.

[00:10:27] They know what it's like.

[00:10:29] It's almost like I don't feel fully human or something.

[00:10:32] As a feminist, I know.

[00:10:35] Well, you're not defined by whether a man wants you or not.

[00:10:39] You're not defined by whether people find you attractive.

[00:10:42] Or think that you're beautiful.

[00:10:43] I know that.

[00:10:45] I know it all intellectually.

[00:10:48] And then there's the lived reality of it.

[00:10:51] Of the loneliness.

[00:10:53] That is so bone deep.

[00:10:55] That I can't even put it into words.

[00:10:58] It defies language.

[00:11:01] I cry myself to sleep.

[00:11:03] At times.

[00:11:05] Because of it.

[00:11:06] I have these.

[00:11:08] Almost panic attacks.

[00:11:11] That I will die alone.

[00:11:13] That I will never be loved.

[00:11:15] And sometimes I just say to myself.

[00:11:18] Why?

[00:11:19] Why doesn't anybody love me?

[00:11:23] Why don't they care about me?

[00:11:27] It's haunted me my entire life.

[00:11:30] That invisibility.

[00:11:33] And that like.

[00:11:34] I almost feel at times like I don't exist.

[00:11:38] That I am so worthless.

[00:11:42] That's the wound.

[00:11:44] I'm trying to heal it.

[00:11:46] And the shame of it is so profound.

[00:11:50] I feel like torn out of the human experience.

[00:11:57] Like I am watching other people.

[00:12:00] Live.

[00:12:02] And I will never know what they know.

[00:12:05] It's like there is this wall.

[00:12:07] Between me and the world.

[00:12:09] And I peek over the wall.

[00:12:11] And I see people in relationships.

[00:12:13] I see people being loved.

[00:12:16] And cherished.

[00:12:19] And I'm just totally alone.

[00:12:21] And I don't understand why it's like this.

[00:12:26] Why nobody ever loved me.

[00:12:30] I don't know.

[00:12:32] I've always just felt so separate.

[00:12:35] And it's not something you can force.

[00:12:37] It's not something that you have total control over.

[00:12:41] I can't make a man love me.

[00:12:45] I can't make a man return my feelings for him.

[00:12:51] I'll be honest with you.

[00:12:53] I pretty much cut off that part of myself.

[00:12:57] For really.

[00:12:58] For much of my life.

[00:13:00] I almost like suppressed it.

[00:13:03] Like I suppressed my desire for love.

[00:13:05] I told myself.

[00:13:08] Oh I'm not interested in romance.

[00:13:11] I'm fine.

[00:13:13] You know.

[00:13:13] I'll be a spinster.

[00:13:15] I'll be the cat lady.

[00:13:16] And I was at peace with that.

[00:13:18] Like in my 20s.

[00:13:19] And I just totally denied that part of myself.

[00:13:23] I denied those needs.

[00:13:25] And those desires.

[00:13:27] And those yearnings.

[00:13:28] For romantic love.

[00:13:30] For romantic reciprocation.

[00:13:33] I avoided men.

[00:13:34] And I just stayed away from them.

[00:13:37] They were so painful for me.

[00:13:41] Like the torment of it.

[00:13:44] And the pain to just be totally rejected.

[00:13:46] And invisible.

[00:13:48] And seen as worthless.

[00:13:50] And treated as worthless.

[00:13:51] Like I don't exist.

[00:13:54] And I still pretty much avoid them.

[00:13:56] If I'm being honest.

[00:13:58] I avoid them as much as possible.

[00:14:01] I have to.

[00:14:02] I have to protect myself.

[00:14:05] But then in my 30s.

[00:14:06] It started to really become agonizing.

[00:14:10] And incredibly painful.

[00:14:12] And I had some experiences.

[00:14:15] Where I got really hurt.

[00:14:17] And heartbroken.

[00:14:19] I just haven't fully known.

[00:14:21] How to deal with this.

[00:14:23] How to deal with being this alone.

[00:14:26] And being unloved.

[00:14:28] In that way.

[00:14:29] I'm very lucky that.

[00:14:31] My parents loved me.

[00:14:33] And I had great parents.

[00:14:36] I had a really great father.

[00:14:38] Who loved me.

[00:14:40] And made me feel.

[00:14:42] Like I mattered.

[00:14:43] And I know some women never get to have that.

[00:14:47] But.

[00:14:48] In the outside world.

[00:14:52] That wound.

[00:14:53] Formed.

[00:14:55] And nothing has really.

[00:14:57] Healed it.

[00:14:58] I have to just.

[00:15:00] Do what I can.

[00:15:02] To deal with it.

[00:15:03] So I share all of this.

[00:15:05] I share all of this really.

[00:15:07] Painful personal material.

[00:15:10] About my life.

[00:15:10] I've never really.

[00:15:12] Gone into it before.

[00:15:13] On this podcast.

[00:15:15] I've never said it.

[00:15:16] In such a blatant.

[00:15:18] Way.

[00:15:21] I share all of this.

[00:15:23] Because.

[00:15:24] I believe.

[00:15:25] That with films.

[00:15:27] We bring ourselves.

[00:15:29] To the film.

[00:15:30] And so.

[00:15:32] Somebody.

[00:15:33] Could watch Marty.

[00:15:34] We'll say a straight.

[00:15:36] Man.

[00:15:37] A straight man.

[00:15:38] Who's attractive.

[00:15:39] And has had lots of.

[00:15:41] Relationships.

[00:15:41] Or girlfriends.

[00:15:43] He's gonna watch Marty.

[00:15:45] And.

[00:15:46] Have a different experience.

[00:15:48] Of that film.

[00:15:49] Than.

[00:15:50] Me.

[00:15:52] A 35 year old woman.

[00:15:54] Who.

[00:15:55] Doesn't fit beauty standards.

[00:15:57] Has never been in a relationship.

[00:15:59] And struggles.

[00:16:01] With all the things.

[00:16:02] That I struggle with.

[00:16:04] I saw myself.

[00:16:06] In Marty.

[00:16:06] Marty.

[00:16:07] I was the same age as him.

[00:16:10] I had not been in a relationship.

[00:16:14] And he has this moment.

[00:16:16] In the film.

[00:16:16] Where he's talking to his mom.

[00:16:18] I even live with my mom.

[00:16:20] The way that Marty does.

[00:16:21] Is.

[00:16:22] And he has this moment.

[00:16:24] Where he's like.

[00:16:25] I'm ugly.

[00:16:26] I'm ugly.

[00:16:27] He.

[00:16:28] Kind of yells it.

[00:16:29] And he gets really frustrated.

[00:16:31] Marty.

[00:16:32] Is very aware.

[00:16:34] That he.

[00:16:34] Is not viewed.

[00:16:36] By the world.

[00:16:37] As attractive.

[00:16:38] And yes.

[00:16:39] We can say.

[00:16:40] Attraction is subjective.

[00:16:42] Beauty is subjective.

[00:16:44] Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

[00:16:45] But.

[00:16:47] There's also certain standards in place.

[00:16:50] And.

[00:16:51] Marty.

[00:16:52] Is not viewed.

[00:16:53] In that way.

[00:16:55] And I do get frustrated.

[00:16:57] By people who say things like.

[00:16:59] Oh there's somebody for everybody.

[00:17:01] And you'll find someone.

[00:17:03] And.

[00:17:04] I know that people mean well.

[00:17:06] I know that.

[00:17:07] There are people who.

[00:17:10] See me.

[00:17:11] And think that I'm beautiful.

[00:17:13] Because they know me.

[00:17:15] And they know my soul.

[00:17:16] And they know what I share.

[00:17:18] But in the real world.

[00:17:21] I am not viewed.

[00:17:23] As attractive and beautiful.

[00:17:25] I think that I am beautiful.

[00:17:27] I want to make it very clear.

[00:17:30] And this is part of the work.

[00:17:32] That I've been doing.

[00:17:33] With my own self-image.

[00:17:34] And self-esteem.

[00:17:36] I see my beauty.

[00:17:38] And I think that.

[00:17:40] All of us.

[00:17:42] Have worth.

[00:17:43] And all of us matter.

[00:17:46] And our.

[00:17:48] Worth should not be defined.

[00:17:50] By what we weigh.

[00:17:51] Or what we look like.

[00:17:52] I think that I am.

[00:17:54] A beautiful.

[00:17:56] Caring.

[00:17:58] Intelligent.

[00:17:59] Compassionate.

[00:18:00] Deep.

[00:18:02] Interesting.

[00:18:02] Woman.

[00:18:04] And I deserve.

[00:18:05] To be loved.

[00:18:06] As much as any other woman.

[00:18:08] Deserves to be loved.

[00:18:09] And I know my qualities.

[00:18:12] And I think that.

[00:18:14] I am beautiful.

[00:18:15] In my.

[00:18:16] In my soul.

[00:18:18] And in who I am.

[00:18:19] But when I'm out in the world.

[00:18:22] That's not how I'm treated.

[00:18:25] And even when I share.

[00:18:26] Images of myself.

[00:18:28] Online.

[00:18:28] Online.

[00:18:29] That's not how I'm treated.

[00:18:31] We all know that.

[00:18:33] Certain women are treated.

[00:18:35] In certain ways.

[00:18:36] And are given.

[00:18:39] Opportunities.

[00:18:41] And given.

[00:18:43] Advantages.

[00:18:44] Advantages.

[00:18:45] Because of what they look like.

[00:18:47] And I think we should be able.

[00:18:48] To acknowledge that.

[00:18:50] Out in the world.

[00:18:52] I am not treated.

[00:18:53] As a beautiful.

[00:18:55] Gorgeous.

[00:18:56] Goddess.

[00:18:57] And I never have been.

[00:18:59] Men.

[00:19:00] Do care about that.

[00:19:01] We don't like to talk about it.

[00:19:03] We don't like to say it.

[00:19:05] But.

[00:19:06] What we look like.

[00:19:07] Affects our experience.

[00:19:09] In the world.

[00:19:10] And it certainly.

[00:19:12] Affects dating.

[00:19:13] And.

[00:19:14] Attraction.

[00:19:16] And relationships.

[00:19:17] And I just don't think.

[00:19:19] That should be denied.

[00:19:21] Marty.

[00:19:22] Feels ugly.

[00:19:24] Marty.

[00:19:26] That he does not fit.

[00:19:27] Those beauty standards.

[00:19:29] Clara is very.

[00:19:30] Just.

[00:19:31] I guess.

[00:19:31] In the film.

[00:19:32] She's viewed as plain.

[00:19:34] As just.

[00:19:35] Very average looking.

[00:19:37] And even.

[00:19:38] Marty's mother.

[00:19:39] Is critical.

[00:19:40] Of Clara.

[00:19:41] Clara is a very interesting.

[00:19:42] Character in the film.

[00:19:45] Because.

[00:19:46] She.

[00:19:47] Gets.

[00:19:49] Criticized.

[00:19:50] By.

[00:19:51] People.

[00:19:51] In Marty's own family.

[00:19:53] Particularly his mother.

[00:19:54] And.

[00:19:55] That shows us.

[00:19:57] That women.

[00:19:57] Are held much more.

[00:19:59] To a standard.

[00:19:59] Of attractiveness.

[00:20:01] Than men are.

[00:20:02] But that doesn't mean.

[00:20:03] That Marty doesn't feel.

[00:20:05] His otherness.

[00:20:07] Or his.

[00:20:09] Separation.

[00:20:09] From other men.

[00:20:10] Based on what he looks like.

[00:20:12] And so.

[00:20:13] In Marty.

[00:20:14] I saw a lot of myself.

[00:20:16] In him.

[00:20:17] That sense.

[00:20:18] That he feels ugly.

[00:20:20] That he feels unattractive.

[00:20:22] That he feels.

[00:20:23] Undesirable.

[00:20:24] That was a very powerful scene.

[00:20:26] Where he says that.

[00:20:27] I'm ugly.

[00:20:28] I'm ugly.

[00:20:29] I could relate to that a lot.

[00:20:31] I love.

[00:20:32] When Clara.

[00:20:33] And Marty.

[00:20:34] Meet.

[00:20:35] At the.

[00:20:36] The.

[00:20:36] Stardust.

[00:20:37] Ballroom.

[00:20:38] I love.

[00:20:39] How these two people.

[00:20:40] Are brought together.

[00:20:41] By fate.

[00:20:42] I guess you could say.

[00:20:44] And in a way.

[00:20:46] This is my.

[00:20:47] Before sunrise.

[00:20:49] I'm gonna say it.

[00:20:50] This is my.

[00:20:51] Before sunrise.

[00:20:53] This is the kind of.

[00:20:55] I don't normally like.

[00:20:56] Romantic films.

[00:20:58] For obvious reasons.

[00:20:59] They're very painful.

[00:21:00] For me.

[00:21:01] Because.

[00:21:02] I don't know that.

[00:21:04] I don't know something like.

[00:21:06] Before sunrise.

[00:21:07] I never got to know.

[00:21:09] What it was like.

[00:21:11] To be in.

[00:21:11] To be young.

[00:21:13] Really young.

[00:21:13] Like your teens.

[00:21:14] And your 20s.

[00:21:15] And to be in love.

[00:21:17] So when it comes to the.

[00:21:18] Before trilogy.

[00:21:20] That's not really.

[00:21:21] My cup of tea.

[00:21:22] I'm not a fan of that trilogy.

[00:21:24] With Marty.

[00:21:26] This is my.

[00:21:27] Before sunrise.

[00:21:29] 100%.

[00:21:30] About two people.

[00:21:32] Who find each other.

[00:21:34] And it's almost faded.

[00:21:36] And I love that.

[00:21:37] They're both at that.

[00:21:38] Stardust ballroom.

[00:21:41] And Clara's date.

[00:21:42] Is being very.

[00:21:44] Rude to her.

[00:21:45] He basically.

[00:21:46] Doesn't want to be with her.

[00:21:48] And her and Marty.

[00:21:50] End up.

[00:21:51] Connecting with each other.

[00:21:52] And they dance.

[00:21:54] And I love.

[00:21:55] This scene.

[00:21:56] This is the scene.

[00:21:57] That made me watch the film.

[00:21:59] I saw a clip of it.

[00:22:01] On one of the social media platforms.

[00:22:06] And I was like.

[00:22:07] I have to watch this film.

[00:22:09] When I saw that scene.

[00:22:11] Where they're talking about.

[00:22:12] How they cry.

[00:22:14] Because that's me.

[00:22:15] I cry.

[00:22:17] I love when they're.

[00:22:19] Talking about that.

[00:22:20] And Marty is very vulnerable.

[00:22:23] It's a vulnerable moment.

[00:22:24] And I think that.

[00:22:26] Often our vulnerabilities.

[00:22:29] The moments when we're vulnerable.

[00:22:31] With each other.

[00:22:32] Are often.

[00:22:34] How we connect.

[00:22:36] To other people.

[00:22:38] We really have to have the courage.

[00:22:41] To be vulnerable.

[00:22:42] Just the way that I am being.

[00:22:44] In this episode.

[00:22:45] And so he talks about.

[00:22:47] How.

[00:22:48] How he cries.

[00:22:50] And then he says.

[00:22:51] You get kicked around enough.

[00:22:52] You become a real professor.

[00:22:54] Of pain.

[00:22:56] I love that.

[00:22:57] Because he's talking about.

[00:22:59] His life.

[00:23:00] He's talking about.

[00:23:01] His lived reality.

[00:23:02] He's a butcher.

[00:23:04] He's 34.

[00:23:06] He's not been in a relationship.

[00:23:09] He sees people around him.

[00:23:12] Getting married.

[00:23:14] Having children.

[00:23:15] And he's left behind.

[00:23:18] He's separate from all of it.

[00:23:20] And I feel that.

[00:23:21] That.

[00:23:23] You become a professor.

[00:23:24] Of pain.

[00:23:26] And these two people.

[00:23:29] Really do connect.

[00:23:31] Through their pain.

[00:23:33] But.

[00:23:35] Because they've been through that pain.

[00:23:38] That's what allows them.

[00:23:40] To have empathy.

[00:23:42] And compassion for each other.

[00:23:45] Marty knows what it's like.

[00:23:47] To be rejected.

[00:23:47] And so when he sees Clara.

[00:23:50] Being rejected.

[00:23:52] And treated.

[00:23:53] Badly.

[00:23:54] By her date.

[00:23:55] He.

[00:23:56] Wants to help her.

[00:23:59] At first.

[00:24:00] I don't think he's necessarily.

[00:24:01] Attracted to her.

[00:24:02] Or has any kind of.

[00:24:04] Romantic interest in her.

[00:24:06] But he sees.

[00:24:08] Somebody.

[00:24:09] He sees an outcast.

[00:24:10] Like himself.

[00:24:12] He sees somebody.

[00:24:14] Being.

[00:24:18] And he comes in.

[00:24:19] And kind of picks her up.

[00:24:21] And decides to show kindness.

[00:24:24] Toward her.

[00:24:25] And they show that kindness.

[00:24:28] And compassion.

[00:24:29] For each other.

[00:24:32] They see.

[00:24:33] They see.

[00:24:33] The value.

[00:24:35] Of each other.

[00:24:37] They're able.

[00:24:39] To see past looks.

[00:24:41] Because.

[00:24:42] Clara's date.

[00:24:43] That's why he's not engaged.

[00:24:45] That's why he doesn't want to be with her.

[00:24:47] Is because he got stuck with her.

[00:24:49] And he doesn't find her attractive.

[00:24:52] She's not sexy.

[00:24:54] And desirable to him.

[00:24:55] And so.

[00:24:57] She has no value to him.

[00:24:59] He doesn't even try to talk to her.

[00:25:02] Or get to know her.

[00:25:03] And that's often what I've experienced.

[00:25:06] Is that.

[00:25:07] Because of what I look like.

[00:25:10] Nobody goes any further.

[00:25:13] Nobody goes any deeper.

[00:25:15] Nobody's ever tried to.

[00:25:17] Get to know me.

[00:25:19] She's.

[00:25:20] Not.

[00:25:21] Of interest to him.

[00:25:23] Pretty much based on her looks.

[00:25:25] Whereas Marty.

[00:25:26] Marty.

[00:25:27] Actually engages with her.

[00:25:29] Has a conversation with her.

[00:25:31] They dance.

[00:25:32] They talk about the crying.

[00:25:34] He talks about being a professor of pain.

[00:25:36] Later on in the film.

[00:25:38] They like walk around.

[00:25:40] And they go in a diner.

[00:25:41] And they talk.

[00:25:43] He's able to.

[00:25:45] Meet her.

[00:25:47] As a human being.

[00:25:49] As two human beings.

[00:25:50] Spending time together.

[00:25:51] And connecting with each other.

[00:25:54] He has.

[00:25:55] An emotional depth.

[00:25:58] An emotional.

[00:25:59] Capacity.

[00:26:01] And she does as well.

[00:26:03] And they form this.

[00:26:05] Emotional bond.

[00:26:07] And they do so.

[00:26:08] Through their pain.

[00:26:10] Their pain.

[00:26:11] And their.

[00:26:12] The way that they are.

[00:26:15] Outsiders.

[00:26:16] The way that they have been.

[00:26:18] Rejected.

[00:26:18] The way that they don't fit in.

[00:26:22] Is actually.

[00:26:24] What makes them.

[00:26:25] So compassionate.

[00:26:27] And it's.

[00:26:29] Part of what makes them who they are.

[00:26:31] It's what makes them kind.

[00:26:33] To one another.

[00:26:34] It's what makes them.

[00:26:36] Deep.

[00:26:37] It's what makes them.

[00:26:39] Connect.

[00:26:39] Connect.

[00:26:41] That's a beautiful part.

[00:26:43] About the film.

[00:26:45] It's hard to be an outsider.

[00:26:47] It's hard to be invisible.

[00:26:50] But when I look back on my life.

[00:26:52] As hard as it has been.

[00:26:55] To.

[00:26:56] To not be seen.

[00:26:58] To not be loved.

[00:26:59] I also realize that.

[00:27:02] I don't know who I would be right now.

[00:27:04] If I'd had a bunch of guys.

[00:27:06] Interested in me.

[00:27:07] I don't know who I would be right now.

[00:27:10] If I got in some bad relationships.

[00:27:13] I know.

[00:27:14] There are.

[00:27:15] Many women have horror stories.

[00:27:17] About their romantic relationships with men.

[00:27:19] What if that had happened to me?

[00:27:21] I lost my dad.

[00:27:23] When I was a teenager.

[00:27:24] What if I had met somebody after that?

[00:27:27] What if I had been vulnerable?

[00:27:28] And what if somebody had used me.

[00:27:30] And hurt me?

[00:27:31] What if I had gotten in a bad marriage?

[00:27:33] There's all kinds of ways.

[00:27:35] That my life could have unfolded.

[00:27:38] Because there's nothing more lonely.

[00:27:41] Than being in a relationship.

[00:27:43] Where you don't feel loved.

[00:27:46] Just because somebody is in a relationship.

[00:27:49] Doesn't mean that they are happy.

[00:27:51] Or that they are actually.

[00:27:53] In a loving, healthy.

[00:27:56] Positive relationship.

[00:27:58] What if I had been used?

[00:27:59] There's all kinds of things that could have happened.

[00:28:03] I was left alone.

[00:28:06] I was invisible for the most part.

[00:28:08] And you know what I had to do?

[00:28:10] I had to rely on myself.

[00:28:13] I didn't have a lot of friends.

[00:28:15] I didn't have any boyfriends.

[00:28:17] So I read books.

[00:28:19] And I watched films.

[00:28:21] And I harvested knowledge.

[00:28:24] And I wrote.

[00:28:25] And I discovered music.

[00:28:27] And that's still what I do.

[00:28:29] That's still the life that I live.

[00:28:32] I knew myself.

[00:28:34] From an early age.

[00:28:36] And I think some women.

[00:28:39] Know themselves through men.

[00:28:42] And conform themselves.

[00:28:44] To what men want them to be.

[00:28:46] And I never did that.

[00:28:48] I was separate from them.

[00:28:50] They didn't pay any attention to me.

[00:28:54] And in a way.

[00:28:55] I'm grateful for that.

[00:28:57] I'm grateful that.

[00:29:00] I've been able to know myself.

[00:29:04] And to belong to myself.

[00:29:08] That's maybe a silver lining of it.

[00:29:10] It's still been really painful.

[00:29:12] Not to know romantic love.

[00:29:14] Not to fall in love.

[00:29:15] Not to know what it's like for somebody to fall in love with you.

[00:29:19] Not to be desirable.

[00:29:22] And get to explore that part of myself.

[00:29:27] Yeah.

[00:29:27] It's been agonizing.

[00:29:31] Like I said.

[00:29:31] I cry myself to sleep at night at times.

[00:29:34] But then on the other hand.

[00:29:36] I can see the way that I was forged by it.

[00:29:39] And created by it.

[00:29:40] By that self-sufficiency.

[00:29:44] And that resilience.

[00:29:46] I didn't have the support.

[00:29:47] I didn't have all of that.

[00:29:50] I had to rely on myself.

[00:29:51] I had to know who I was.

[00:29:55] And I found solace through art.

[00:29:57] And what do I do now?

[00:29:59] I talk about films.

[00:30:01] I share my love of art.

[00:30:04] It's still very, very hard to be lonely though.

[00:30:07] I don't want to act like.

[00:30:09] I don't want to act like.

[00:30:11] Yeah, my life's great.

[00:30:13] It never hurts.

[00:30:15] Like I said.

[00:30:16] It's a very deep wound.

[00:30:17] I don't feel lovable.

[00:30:19] And I'm trying to.

[00:30:22] Fight that.

[00:30:25] But I also see the way.

[00:30:28] My life.

[00:30:30] Not being defined by men.

[00:30:33] Or wrapped up in men.

[00:30:35] Is a good thing.

[00:30:37] I can see that.

[00:30:39] Because I also see the damage.

[00:30:41] That a lot of men do to women.

[00:30:43] And I have just avoided them.

[00:30:46] And stayed away from them.

[00:30:48] And been pretty free of them.

[00:30:49] I guess you could say.

[00:30:51] And I guess.

[00:30:53] My separateness.

[00:30:55] And my aloneness.

[00:30:57] Has also given me.

[00:30:59] Very deep empathy.

[00:31:01] And compassion.

[00:31:02] For other people.

[00:31:03] For outsiders.

[00:31:05] For outcasts.

[00:31:07] And misfits.

[00:31:08] And rejects.

[00:31:10] And all of that.

[00:31:11] And that is why I connect so much.

[00:31:14] To Marty and Clara.

[00:31:16] Is because.

[00:31:16] They understand that.

[00:31:18] As well.

[00:31:19] And that is exactly.

[00:31:21] Why they connect to each other.

[00:31:23] That is exactly.

[00:31:24] Why they have.

[00:31:26] Such.

[00:31:27] A strong bond.

[00:31:29] Pretty quickly.

[00:31:29] In the film.

[00:31:31] And it's what allows them.

[00:31:33] To truly see each other.

[00:31:35] And.

[00:31:36] For the first time.

[00:31:38] In both of their lives.

[00:31:39] They're experiencing that.

[00:31:42] Of being seen.

[00:31:43] By another person.

[00:31:45] That's why.

[00:31:46] I think the film.

[00:31:47] Gives me so much hope.

[00:31:50] Is that.

[00:31:51] Yeah.

[00:31:51] I'm 35.

[00:31:52] And it's never happened.

[00:31:54] And I'm.

[00:31:55] I'll be honest with you.

[00:31:57] I'm not.

[00:31:58] Like.

[00:31:59] Overly.

[00:32:00] Optimistic.

[00:32:01] About it.

[00:32:01] Or anything.

[00:32:03] But.

[00:32:05] I'm open to it.

[00:32:07] If I were.

[00:32:08] To meet somebody.

[00:32:10] And he was a great person.

[00:32:13] And it was organic.

[00:32:14] And it was genuine.

[00:32:16] And it was mutual.

[00:32:17] I would not.

[00:32:18] Run away from it.

[00:32:21] I would be open to it.

[00:32:24] But it would have to be.

[00:32:28] It would have to be.

[00:32:30] Real.

[00:32:30] It would have to be mutual.

[00:32:32] And it would have to be.

[00:32:33] The right person.

[00:32:34] It would have to be.

[00:32:35] A very special.

[00:32:37] And rare person.

[00:32:39] The chances of finding him.

[00:32:41] Are very.

[00:32:42] Very slim.

[00:32:44] And I.

[00:32:45] Am.

[00:32:46] I will say this.

[00:32:48] I'm at the.

[00:32:49] The best place with it.

[00:32:51] Than I have been.

[00:32:52] In years.

[00:32:53] I have really started to accept.

[00:32:56] The situation.

[00:32:58] And accept that.

[00:33:00] I can love myself.

[00:33:02] And I can have a life.

[00:33:05] Even if it doesn't happen.

[00:33:07] Even if I don't meet that person.

[00:33:10] And even if I don't get to know.

[00:33:12] Romantic love in that way.

[00:33:14] It doesn't mean that there's not still.

[00:33:17] That aching.

[00:33:18] Inside me.

[00:33:20] It doesn't mean that the wound.

[00:33:23] Has fully healed.

[00:33:25] Or the shame about all of this is gone.

[00:33:28] But I'm getting to a better place with it.

[00:33:31] I'm.

[00:33:32] I'm making progress.

[00:33:34] Whereas in the past.

[00:33:36] It.

[00:33:36] It tore me apart.

[00:33:39] In a more.

[00:33:41] Agonizing way.

[00:33:42] And was something that I.

[00:33:45] Was just.

[00:33:47] Eaten alive by.

[00:33:51] I've really done a good job.

[00:33:53] I think of making peace with it.

[00:33:55] And accepting it.

[00:33:57] And I think that's part of my self-love journey.

[00:34:01] Is that I love myself.

[00:34:03] More.

[00:34:05] Now.

[00:34:06] Now.

[00:34:06] And I love myself.

[00:34:08] Enough.

[00:34:11] To protect myself.

[00:34:13] And to not let.

[00:34:15] Anybody into my life.

[00:34:18] Who would not cherish.

[00:34:20] And.

[00:34:21] Respect.

[00:34:22] And care about me.

[00:34:24] And so.

[00:34:25] If that means.

[00:34:26] That I have to be alone.

[00:34:28] Then that means.

[00:34:29] I have to be alone.

[00:34:31] What I've decided.

[00:34:32] Through some really.

[00:34:35] Negative experiences.

[00:34:36] With men.

[00:34:37] Over the last few years.

[00:34:39] Is that.

[00:34:40] It is either.

[00:34:42] True love.

[00:34:44] Where I am.

[00:34:45] Treated.

[00:34:46] The way that I deserve to be treated.

[00:34:49] Or.

[00:34:50] I will stay alone.

[00:34:51] I'm not going to be.

[00:34:53] Used.

[00:34:53] I'm not going to be.

[00:34:54] In a situation.

[00:34:56] I'm not going to be.

[00:34:58] Confused.

[00:35:00] All of this stuff.

[00:35:02] And.

[00:35:02] I'm not going to.

[00:35:04] Be in something.

[00:35:05] Unrequited.

[00:35:06] Or.

[00:35:07] I'm not going to put myself.

[00:35:09] Through any kind of pain.

[00:35:12] It's either.

[00:35:13] Fully.

[00:35:14] Mutual.

[00:35:16] And.

[00:35:17] True.

[00:35:18] And deep.

[00:35:19] And what I deserve.

[00:35:21] Or.

[00:35:22] I will stay alone.

[00:35:23] I will be the spinster.

[00:35:25] I will be with.

[00:35:26] All of that.

[00:35:27] And I'll make peace with it.

[00:35:29] I'd rather be alone.

[00:35:30] Than.

[00:35:31] To settle.

[00:35:32] I'd rather be alone.

[00:35:34] Than be hurt.

[00:35:35] And used.

[00:35:37] So.

[00:35:37] I'm.

[00:35:38] I had to go through.

[00:35:38] Some pain.

[00:35:39] To learn that.

[00:35:40] The hard way.

[00:35:41] But I'm past it.

[00:35:43] I'm through it.

[00:35:44] And.

[00:35:45] Sometimes.

[00:35:46] That's how we get wisdom.

[00:35:47] them so these two people take their own pain and they use it to connect with one another

[00:35:55] and you see that in the ballroom scene a professor of pain it's so tender it's so vulnerable it's so

[00:36:05] raw i love films about two people who like fate brings them together i'm reminded

[00:36:17] a little bit of like brief encounter by david lane which is one of my all-time favorite films

[00:36:23] two people who are just kind of going about their lives they don't even know of each other's

[00:36:28] existences and then all of a sudden the world opens up when they lock eyes and when they collide

[00:36:39] and they're never the same the meeting of these two souls these two lonely souls

[00:36:47] actually brings their liberation from that loneliness connection is hard to find in this

[00:36:55] world authentic deep real connection is one of the hardest things that you will find in this world

[00:37:02] but when you find it it is transformative it is life-changing i know that i've talked a lot about

[00:37:12] on this podcast pain and suffering and trauma and the way that those things change us forever

[00:37:23] but i think that connection and love can be just as transformative as pain

[00:37:31] and we can learn through our pain but we can also learn important things through love

[00:37:39] and through finding people who understand us and finding people who we're safe with and who

[00:37:47] we feel connected to that is just as transformative

[00:37:53] so this is a film about loneliness but i think it's also about the liberation from loneliness

[00:37:59] that really comes through sharing those wounds and being vulnerable with each other

[00:38:06] and that's what i'm doing on this podcast episode

[00:38:11] i am shattering the silence around this area of my life

[00:38:17] and i've carried the shame my for my entire life since i was a little girl

[00:38:24] it's not easy for me to talk about it

[00:38:27] but how else can we connect how else can we feel seen

[00:38:33] and i think that's what happens when they're dancing

[00:38:36] and then later on when they're just walking and they're just conversing with each other

[00:38:41] you can't go around with armor all the time

[00:38:47] and the walls that we build up to protect ourselves

[00:38:52] sometimes we have to have them and we need them

[00:38:55] but we also know that the only way that we can genuinely connect with others

[00:39:02] is to break through those walls

[00:39:04] because the walls they don't just keep out the pain

[00:39:11] they keep out the joy the love the possibilities

[00:39:19] and i love how these two people come together

[00:39:22] and they're lonely and all of a sudden these possibilities open up through each other

[00:39:30] because i do think that love is a transformative experience

[00:39:35] i may not have known it romantically

[00:39:40] but i know what it's like to connect with somebody else

[00:39:43] and how powerful that is

[00:39:46] the i think with marty and clara

[00:39:49] there's the possibility of love

[00:39:52] it's a relationship that's starting to form in the film

[00:39:57] it's gradual and it comes through these conversations

[00:40:00] and sharing themselves with each other

[00:40:04] and having the courage to be vulnerable

[00:40:09] when they meet each other

[00:40:10] it's like all these possibilities open up

[00:40:13] and when they meet each other there's hope

[00:40:17] there's hope

[00:40:19] i feel like that's what true love should really be about

[00:40:22] is like hope hope for your life for a future

[00:40:27] why are we here other than to love and be loved

[00:40:32] that's just the truth

[00:40:34] and that love can come from so many different sources can't it

[00:40:41] because even though i've never had a romantic relationship

[00:40:44] and i've never been loved by a man

[00:40:48] i was loved by my father

[00:40:51] i'm loved by my mother

[00:40:53] i have friends who love me

[00:40:55] i'm pouring love into myself

[00:40:58] it's not that there's an absence of love in my life

[00:41:02] i want to make that clear

[00:41:04] but deep down

[00:41:07] this still haunts me

[00:41:10] and i can't deny that

[00:41:12] i wish that i could tell you

[00:41:13] oh it doesn't bother me

[00:41:15] that's not truthful

[00:41:19] that's not me being true to my lived experience

[00:41:24] deep down there's still something there

[00:41:26] that i don't feel lovable

[00:41:29] but i tell myself

[00:41:32] even if i never have a partner

[00:41:34] i never have a relationship

[00:41:36] even if i continue to be alone

[00:41:39] my life still has value

[00:41:43] no matter what i look like

[00:41:45] my life has value

[00:41:47] whether i'm seen as beautiful

[00:41:50] or not

[00:41:51] my life has value as a woman

[00:41:55] we can't necessarily change the world around us

[00:41:59] but we can try to live

[00:42:04] authentically

[00:42:05] and we can try to be true to ourselves

[00:42:07] and give love and compassion to ourselves

[00:42:11] no i don't fit beauty standards

[00:42:14] no i'm not thin

[00:42:17] no i'm not seen as

[00:42:20] a gorgeous attractive woman

[00:42:23] out in the world

[00:42:25] but i still have value

[00:42:28] no matter what i look like

[00:42:31] no matter if men

[00:42:33] think that i'm attractive

[00:42:34] or think that i have value

[00:42:36] i have value

[00:42:37] because i'm here

[00:42:39] because i'm a human being

[00:42:42] because i have a soul

[00:42:43] because i have things to offer

[00:42:46] and to contribute

[00:42:46] i am worth loving

[00:42:48] and i just have to keep telling myself that

[00:42:52] that i am loved in other ways

[00:42:55] bell hooks writes a lot about love

[00:42:58] and her work has been really influential for me

[00:43:04] communion all about love

[00:43:07] and she writes about a circle of love

[00:43:10] having a circle of love

[00:43:12] and i have that

[00:43:14] and that's what i try to focus on

[00:43:16] and i think love

[00:43:17] is the meaning of life

[00:43:20] not just romantic

[00:43:21] because i've known it from my parents

[00:43:23] and i've known it from friends

[00:43:25] that love is important

[00:43:28] and i think love

[00:43:30] is what gives us hope

[00:43:33] cultivating love

[00:43:34] should be

[00:43:36] the work of our lives

[00:43:38] it's sacred work

[00:43:40] it's valuable work

[00:43:42] it's essential work

[00:43:43] to cultivate love

[00:43:45] and to live for love

[00:43:48] to live from a place of love

[00:43:50] i truly believe that

[00:43:52] and that love comes in many forms

[00:43:56] and i'm grateful

[00:43:58] for what i do have

[00:44:00] i have known love

[00:44:01] i know that i am love

[00:44:04] and that's something

[00:44:06] even if it wasn't the kind of love

[00:44:09] that i might sometimes

[00:44:12] won't

[00:44:13] or ache for

[00:44:15] i love how marty and clara connect with each other

[00:44:19] and how the relationship blossoms from

[00:44:23] that

[00:44:25] it blossoms

[00:44:26] it's not like love at first sight

[00:44:29] is it

[00:44:30] it's love at first

[00:44:33] conversation

[00:44:34] or love at first opening

[00:44:37] like

[00:44:38] there's an emotional sharing

[00:44:40] and there's an emotional connection

[00:44:42] and i'm very much like that

[00:44:44] like i need an emotional connection to somebody

[00:44:47] i think

[00:44:48] to ever feel like love was developing

[00:44:53] i like that it's not love at first sight

[00:44:56] and something i really like about the film

[00:44:58] is that they chose betsy blair

[00:45:01] because i do think that in a lot of hollywood films

[00:45:05] even if a man

[00:45:07] doesn't fit beauty standards

[00:45:09] even if a man

[00:45:11] is not viewed as attractive

[00:45:13] they will often give him love interests

[00:45:16] who

[00:45:17] are like bombshells

[00:45:19] or models

[00:45:20] are much younger

[00:45:22] in the film

[00:45:24] betsy blair is supposed to be like 29

[00:45:26] and marty's 34

[00:45:29] i was so glad that they didn't give marty a love interest

[00:45:33] who was 20

[00:45:34] or 21

[00:45:35] and who looked like a model

[00:45:39] instead the film

[00:45:40] really decided to focus on two people

[00:45:43] who would be seen

[00:45:45] as average

[00:45:47] or just

[00:45:49] as outsiders

[00:45:50] in that way

[00:45:52] and i love that

[00:45:53] i really love that

[00:45:55] that it chose to focus on people

[00:45:57] who just look normal

[00:45:59] like people you just see in everyday life

[00:46:02] that's what gave the film

[00:46:05] even more depth

[00:46:06] and i could connect to it

[00:46:08] much more

[00:46:10] and i saw so much of myself

[00:46:13] in these characters

[00:46:14] i saw their humanity

[00:46:16] i saw their emotional depth

[00:46:19] i saw their tenderness

[00:46:20] with each other

[00:46:22] and their connection is beautiful

[00:46:24] when they're at the diner later on

[00:46:27] and they're talking

[00:46:28] they have a very vulnerable conversation

[00:46:32] again

[00:46:32] when they were dancing

[00:46:34] they were talking about

[00:46:35] he talked about how he cried

[00:46:37] how he was a professor of pain

[00:46:41] and then when they're talking at the diner

[00:46:43] marty admits that

[00:46:46] he hasn't always wanted to be alive

[00:46:49] that he's thought about

[00:46:51] killing himself

[00:46:53] honestly

[00:46:56] and clara understands

[00:46:59] she understands

[00:47:01] she knows what it's like

[00:47:03] to feel

[00:47:04] like you don't fit in

[00:47:06] like there's no place for you

[00:47:09] like you don't belong

[00:47:12] she doesn't look down on him

[00:47:14] because he's a butcher

[00:47:16] in fact

[00:47:17] she encourages him

[00:47:19] to buy the butcher shop

[00:47:20] that's something that he's

[00:47:21] thinking about in the film

[00:47:23] is buying the butcher shop

[00:47:26] she knows that he's a good person

[00:47:29] she can tell that he is a good man

[00:47:32] this is a film about a good man

[00:47:35] like a model of a good man

[00:47:40] usually i don't connect

[00:47:42] to male characters

[00:47:43] in films

[00:47:44] it's quite rare for me

[00:47:46] usually i tend to focus

[00:47:48] on films that are

[00:47:49] about women

[00:47:50] but marty was one of those

[00:47:52] rare films

[00:47:54] where i really connected

[00:47:55] to the man

[00:47:56] i think because marty

[00:48:00] had an emotional depth

[00:48:01] to him

[00:48:02] i felt like in that scene

[00:48:04] at the diner

[00:48:05] when they're talking

[00:48:06] to each other

[00:48:07] i felt like that was

[00:48:08] when they really felt seen

[00:48:10] i mean

[00:48:11] he barely knows her

[00:48:13] and he is already sharing

[00:48:16] these innermost

[00:48:17] demons

[00:48:18] these innermost

[00:48:20] secrets

[00:48:22] these very tender

[00:48:24] wounds

[00:48:24] these tender parts

[00:48:26] of himself

[00:48:26] he already feels

[00:48:29] safe with her

[00:48:30] he already feels

[00:48:32] connected to her

[00:48:34] and feels like

[00:48:36] she understands

[00:48:36] she tells him

[00:48:38] that he's the kindest

[00:48:39] man that she's ever

[00:48:40] met

[00:48:42] she sees

[00:48:43] that he is good

[00:48:44] and he sees

[00:48:45] that she's good

[00:48:46] and they live

[00:48:50] in this world

[00:48:51] where other people

[00:48:52] can't see their value

[00:48:53] but they see it

[00:48:56] it's like this rare

[00:48:58] moment

[00:48:58] where somebody

[00:49:00] finally sees them

[00:49:04] and sees

[00:49:06] their kindness

[00:49:07] and their goodness

[00:49:08] and how valuable

[00:49:09] they are

[00:49:11] that is so

[00:49:13] transformative

[00:49:14] when you feel

[00:49:15] valued by other people

[00:49:17] when you feel

[00:49:18] seen and supported

[00:49:21] it is

[00:49:22] transformative

[00:49:24] i've gotten to know

[00:49:25] it through

[00:49:26] some of my

[00:49:27] friendships

[00:49:27] and this podcast

[00:49:29] has been a source

[00:49:31] of

[00:49:32] that for me

[00:49:34] where i've been

[00:49:36] able to share

[00:49:36] my voice

[00:49:37] and i feel

[00:49:39] like people

[00:49:40] have valued

[00:49:41] that

[00:49:41] and that

[00:49:43] has helped

[00:49:43] me

[00:49:43] on my journey

[00:49:44] of self-love

[00:49:45] that it's

[00:49:46] almost like

[00:49:47] when other

[00:49:48] people can

[00:49:49] see

[00:49:50] something about

[00:49:51] you that

[00:49:52] you yourself

[00:49:53] can't see

[00:49:54] that's what

[00:49:55] can happen

[00:49:56] in friendships

[00:49:56] i think it

[00:49:57] can happen

[00:49:58] in romantic

[00:49:58] relationships

[00:49:59] as well

[00:50:00] where it's

[00:50:01] like another

[00:50:01] person sees

[00:50:02] something in

[00:50:04] you

[00:50:04] that you

[00:50:05] can't see

[00:50:06] because you

[00:50:07] only focus

[00:50:08] on your

[00:50:08] flaws

[00:50:09] or you

[00:50:10] focus on

[00:50:10] how you're

[00:50:10] not good

[00:50:11] enough

[00:50:11] or how

[00:50:12] you've

[00:50:13] never felt

[00:50:13] good enough

[00:50:14] or you

[00:50:15] focus on

[00:50:16] all the ways

[00:50:17] that people

[00:50:19] have treated

[00:50:19] you badly

[00:50:21] and so you've

[00:50:22] never been

[00:50:23] able to

[00:50:24] to see

[00:50:25] your own

[00:50:25] value

[00:50:26] and it's

[00:50:27] almost like

[00:50:28] other people

[00:50:28] have seen

[00:50:29] things in

[00:50:30] me

[00:50:31] that i

[00:50:32] wasn't able

[00:50:33] to access

[00:50:34] until they

[00:50:35] saw them

[00:50:36] until i

[00:50:37] felt like

[00:50:38] other people

[00:50:39] valued me

[00:50:40] i do

[00:50:41] take a

[00:50:42] bit of

[00:50:43] offense

[00:50:43] at the

[00:50:44] phrase

[00:50:44] you know

[00:50:45] you can't

[00:50:45] love others

[00:50:46] until you

[00:50:46] love yourself

[00:50:47] i understand

[00:50:49] it

[00:50:49] i know

[00:50:50] why we

[00:50:50] say it

[00:50:51] and i'm

[00:50:52] not saying

[00:50:52] that we

[00:50:53] shouldn't

[00:50:53] love

[00:50:53] ourselves

[00:50:54] but i

[00:50:55] do think

[00:50:56] some of

[00:50:57] us at

[00:50:57] least

[00:50:58] sometimes

[00:50:59] we're

[00:50:59] not able

[00:51:00] to fully

[00:51:01] love

[00:51:01] ourselves

[00:51:07] have

[00:51:09] have seen

[00:51:10] us

[00:51:10] the way

[00:51:11] that we

[00:51:11] need to

[00:51:11] be seen

[00:51:12] or valued

[00:51:14] us

[00:51:14] and sometimes

[00:51:15] we need

[00:51:17] that

[00:51:17] before we

[00:51:18] can kind

[00:51:19] of get

[00:51:19] to the

[00:51:20] place

[00:51:20] where we

[00:51:20] feel

[00:51:21] lovable

[00:51:21] or we

[00:51:22] feel

[00:51:23] valuable

[00:51:23] is that

[00:51:24] other people

[00:51:25] see our

[00:51:25] value

[00:51:26] and mirror

[00:51:27] it back

[00:51:27] to us

[00:51:28] and witness

[00:51:29] us

[00:51:30] and then

[00:51:32] we're able

[00:51:33] to see

[00:51:33] ourselves

[00:51:34] in new

[00:51:34] ways

[00:51:35] i think

[00:51:36] that's what's

[00:51:37] happening

[00:51:37] with clara

[00:51:38] and marty

[00:51:39] is that

[00:51:41] they're being

[00:51:41] seen

[00:51:42] in ways

[00:51:43] that they've

[00:51:43] never been

[00:51:44] seen before

[00:51:45] because if

[00:51:46] they've never

[00:51:46] had a romantic

[00:51:47] relationship

[00:51:48] i think the

[00:51:50] implication is

[00:51:51] that these

[00:51:51] two people

[00:51:52] have not

[00:51:53] really been

[00:51:53] in a

[00:51:53] relationship

[00:51:54] before

[00:51:55] i kind of

[00:51:56] got that

[00:51:56] sense with

[00:51:57] clara

[00:51:57] and with

[00:51:58] marty

[00:51:59] they've

[00:52:00] never really

[00:52:00] known what

[00:52:01] it's like

[00:52:02] for someone

[00:52:03] to want

[00:52:04] to be

[00:52:04] with them

[00:52:05] for someone

[00:52:06] to be

[00:52:06] attracted

[00:52:07] to them

[00:52:07] for someone

[00:52:08] to be

[00:52:09] interested

[00:52:09] in them

[00:52:10] and all

[00:52:11] of a sudden

[00:52:12] there it

[00:52:12] is

[00:52:13] you don't

[00:52:14] even know

[00:52:15] that you're

[00:52:15] what you're

[00:52:16] missing

[00:52:17] until you

[00:52:18] have it

[00:52:18] you don't

[00:52:19] even know

[00:52:20] what's been

[00:52:20] absent

[00:52:21] until it's

[00:52:21] present

[00:52:22] you don't

[00:52:23] even know

[00:52:23] what you've

[00:52:24] been deprived

[00:52:24] of until

[00:52:25] all of a

[00:52:26] sudden

[00:52:26] it materializes

[00:52:28] and now

[00:52:32] someone

[00:52:32] sees you

[00:52:33] someone wants

[00:52:35] to know

[00:52:35] you

[00:52:36] someone

[00:52:37] chooses

[00:52:38] to

[00:52:39] be with

[00:52:40] you

[00:52:40] and to

[00:52:41] invest

[00:52:42] their

[00:52:43] time

[00:52:43] into

[00:52:44] you

[00:52:44] and

[00:52:45] now

[00:52:46] maybe

[00:52:46] you

[00:52:47] can

[00:52:47] see

[00:52:47] yourself

[00:52:48] in a

[00:52:49] different

[00:52:49] way

[00:52:49] maybe

[00:52:50] you

[00:52:51] can

[00:52:51] start

[00:52:51] to

[00:52:51] write

[00:52:52] a

[00:52:52] different

[00:52:53] narrative

[00:52:53] about

[00:52:53] yourself

[00:52:55] maybe

[00:52:56] you

[00:52:57] can

[00:52:57] feel

[00:52:57] like

[00:52:59] you

[00:52:59] have

[00:52:59] worth

[00:52:59] it's

[00:53:01] you know

[00:53:02] it's all

[00:53:02] necessary

[00:53:03] of course

[00:53:03] you want

[00:53:04] to love

[00:53:04] yourself

[00:53:04] and have

[00:53:05] that come

[00:53:06] from within

[00:53:06] I do

[00:53:07] think

[00:53:07] that's

[00:53:07] important

[00:53:08] and it's

[00:53:09] something

[00:53:09] that I've

[00:53:10] been working

[00:53:10] on for

[00:53:11] a while

[00:53:11] is

[00:53:12] that inner

[00:53:13] core

[00:53:14] that knows

[00:53:15] that I

[00:53:16] am lovable

[00:53:16] but

[00:53:19] it's still

[00:53:20] hard

[00:53:20] it's hard

[00:53:21] when you

[00:53:22] don't feel

[00:53:22] seen

[00:53:22] it's

[00:53:23] hard

[00:53:24] when

[00:53:24] you're

[00:53:26] rejected

[00:53:26] when

[00:53:27] you're

[00:53:28] an

[00:53:28] outcast

[00:53:28] if

[00:53:31] we're

[00:53:31] never

[00:53:32] seen

[00:53:32] by

[00:53:32] other

[00:53:33] people

[00:53:33] how

[00:53:34] does

[00:53:35] that

[00:53:35] limit

[00:53:35] our

[00:53:36] lives

[00:53:36] how

[00:53:36] does

[00:53:36] that

[00:53:37] limit

[00:53:37] the

[00:53:38] ways

[00:53:38] that

[00:53:39] we

[00:53:39] see

[00:53:39] ourselves

[00:53:40] and

[00:53:41] what

[00:53:41] we

[00:53:41] think

[00:53:42] is

[00:53:42] possible

[00:53:42] for

[00:53:43] our

[00:53:43] lives

[00:53:43] I

[00:53:44] do

[00:53:45] believe

[00:53:45] that

[00:53:45] we

[00:53:45] need

[00:53:45] to

[00:53:46] be

[00:53:46] witnessed

[00:53:47] by

[00:53:47] other

[00:53:47] people

[00:53:48] we

[00:53:48] do

[00:53:49] need

[00:53:49] human

[00:53:49] connection

[00:53:50] we

[00:53:52] can't

[00:53:52] live

[00:53:52] in

[00:53:53] isolation

[00:53:54] or

[00:53:55] loneliness

[00:53:56] because

[00:53:58] those

[00:53:59] things

[00:53:59] are so

[00:54:00] devastating

[00:54:01] and so

[00:54:02] damaging

[00:54:03] and I've

[00:54:04] lived it

[00:54:05] I've

[00:54:06] lived it

[00:54:06] for a

[00:54:06] lot of

[00:54:07] my

[00:54:07] life

[00:54:08] invisibility

[00:54:10] is

[00:54:11] deeply

[00:54:12] painful

[00:54:13] and

[00:54:13] self

[00:54:14] hatred

[00:54:14] is

[00:54:15] devastating

[00:54:16] I

[00:54:17] truly

[00:54:18] believe

[00:54:18] self

[00:54:18] hatred

[00:54:19] is one

[00:54:20] of the

[00:54:20] worst

[00:54:20] things

[00:54:21] that

[00:54:21] you

[00:54:22] can

[00:54:22] have

[00:54:22] inside

[00:54:23] you

[00:54:24] when

[00:54:24] you

[00:54:25] hate

[00:54:25] yourself

[00:54:26] you

[00:54:27] cannot

[00:54:27] do

[00:54:27] anything

[00:54:28] you

[00:54:29] don't

[00:54:29] see

[00:54:29] possibilities

[00:54:30] you

[00:54:31] don't

[00:54:32] do

[00:54:32] anything

[00:54:33] with

[00:54:33] your

[00:54:33] life

[00:54:34] you

[00:54:34] think

[00:54:35] that

[00:54:35] you're

[00:54:35] nothing

[00:54:35] I

[00:54:36] have

[00:54:36] believed

[00:54:37] that

[00:54:37] I'm

[00:54:38] just

[00:54:38] nothing

[00:54:38] that's

[00:54:39] what

[00:54:40] I've

[00:54:40] struggled

[00:54:40] with

[00:54:51] deep

[00:54:53] indestructible

[00:54:53] sense

[00:54:55] that I

[00:54:56] am

[00:54:56] nothing

[00:54:56] and

[00:54:57] that

[00:54:57] is

[00:54:57] because

[00:54:58] of

[00:54:58] experiences

[00:54:59] that

[00:54:59] I've

[00:54:59] had

[00:55:00] and

[00:55:00] the

[00:55:01] invisibility

[00:55:01] and

[00:55:03] just

[00:55:03] not

[00:55:03] feeling

[00:55:03] loved

[00:55:04] by

[00:55:04] other

[00:55:04] people

[00:55:05] except

[00:55:05] for

[00:55:05] my

[00:55:06] parents

[00:55:06] I

[00:55:07] didn't

[00:55:07] really

[00:55:08] start

[00:55:08] to

[00:55:08] have

[00:55:09] a

[00:55:10] supportive

[00:55:10] system

[00:55:11] and

[00:55:13] a

[00:55:13] circle

[00:55:13] of

[00:55:14] friends

[00:55:14] and

[00:55:14] circle

[00:55:15] of

[00:55:15] love

[00:55:15] until

[00:55:16] the

[00:55:16] last

[00:55:17] few

[00:55:17] years

[00:55:17] so

[00:55:18] for

[00:55:19] much

[00:55:19] of

[00:55:19] my

[00:55:19] life

[00:55:21] I

[00:55:21] just

[00:55:22] did

[00:55:22] not

[00:55:22] feel

[00:55:23] lovable

[00:55:23] I

[00:55:24] did

[00:55:24] not

[00:55:24] feel

[00:55:24] like

[00:55:25] I

[00:55:25] had

[00:55:25] any

[00:55:25] worth

[00:55:25] I

[00:55:27] felt

[00:55:27] like

[00:55:27] nothing

[00:55:27] I

[00:55:28] hated

[00:55:29] myself

[00:55:29] and

[00:55:30] I

[00:55:30] was

[00:55:30] very

[00:55:30] self

[00:55:31] destructive

[00:55:31] the

[00:55:32] last

[00:55:32] few

[00:55:33] years

[00:55:33] have

[00:55:34] been

[00:55:35] about

[00:55:35] me

[00:55:35] trying

[00:55:36] to

[00:55:36] reverse

[00:55:38] some

[00:55:38] of

[00:55:38] that

[00:55:39] rip

[00:55:40] out

[00:55:41] the

[00:55:41] self

[00:55:41] hatred

[00:55:42] really

[00:55:43] start

[00:55:44] to

[00:55:44] fight

[00:55:44] for

[00:55:44] myself

[00:55:45] to

[00:55:46] give

[00:55:47] myself

[00:55:47] love

[00:55:47] and

[00:55:48] compassion

[00:55:48] and

[00:55:49] care

[00:55:49] to

[00:55:50] rewrite

[00:55:50] those

[00:55:51] scripts

[00:55:51] and

[00:55:52] those

[00:55:52] narratives

[00:55:53] that

[00:55:53] have

[00:55:53] told

[00:55:53] me

[00:55:54] you're

[00:55:54] ugly

[00:55:55] you're

[00:55:55] worthless

[00:55:56] you're

[00:55:57] unlovable

[00:55:57] those

[00:55:58] constant

[00:55:59] voices

[00:55:59] in my

[00:56:00] head

[00:56:00] telling

[00:56:00] me

[00:56:01] you're

[00:56:02] nothing

[00:56:02] and

[00:56:03] you

[00:56:03] never

[00:56:03] will

[00:56:03] be

[00:56:03] anything

[00:56:04] and

[00:56:06] nobody

[00:56:07] cares

[00:56:07] about

[00:56:07] you

[00:56:08] it's

[00:56:09] so

[00:56:09] devastating

[00:56:11] to

[00:56:12] think

[00:56:13] those

[00:56:13] things

[00:56:13] about

[00:56:14] yourself

[00:56:14] for

[00:56:15] decades

[00:56:16] but

[00:56:17] I'm

[00:56:17] trying

[00:56:18] trying

[00:56:19] to undo

[00:56:19] it

[00:56:20] and

[00:56:21] so

[00:56:22] Marty

[00:56:23] and

[00:56:23] Clara

[00:56:23] are

[00:56:24] able

[00:56:25] to

[00:56:25] witness

[00:56:26] each

[00:56:27] other

[00:56:27] and

[00:56:27] see

[00:56:28] each

[00:56:28] other

[00:56:28] and

[00:56:29] they

[00:56:29] have

[00:56:30] these

[00:56:30] profound

[00:56:30] moments

[00:56:31] where

[00:56:32] they

[00:56:32] have

[00:56:33] conversations

[00:56:34] where

[00:56:35] they

[00:56:35] open

[00:56:36] up

[00:56:36] where

[00:56:36] they're

[00:56:37] vulnerable

[00:56:37] and

[00:56:39] that

[00:56:39] forges

[00:56:40] something

[00:56:40] very

[00:56:41] deep

[00:56:41] between

[00:56:42] the

[00:56:42] two

[00:56:42] of

[00:56:42] them

[00:56:43] I

[00:56:44] believe

[00:56:44] that

[00:56:45] love

[00:56:45] love

[00:56:46] takes

[00:56:47] not only

[00:56:48] vulnerability

[00:56:48] but it

[00:56:49] takes

[00:56:49] courage

[00:56:49] it

[00:56:51] truly

[00:56:51] takes

[00:56:51] courage

[00:56:52] and

[00:56:53] Marty

[00:56:53] I think

[00:56:54] learns

[00:56:54] that

[00:56:55] in this

[00:56:55] film

[00:56:57] as the

[00:56:58] film

[00:56:58] goes

[00:56:58] on

[00:56:59] his

[00:57:00] mother

[00:57:01] is very

[00:57:01] critical

[00:57:02] of

[00:57:02] Clara

[00:57:02] and

[00:57:05] he

[00:57:05] starts

[00:57:06] to

[00:57:06] kind of

[00:57:07] believe

[00:57:08] some of

[00:57:08] that

[00:57:08] at

[00:57:09] first

[00:57:10] and

[00:57:12] he

[00:57:12] sort

[00:57:13] of

[00:57:13] has

[00:57:13] these

[00:57:13] doubts

[00:57:14] about

[00:57:14] the

[00:57:14] relationship

[00:57:15] or

[00:57:16] about

[00:57:16] the

[00:57:16] connection

[00:57:17] he's

[00:57:18] kind

[00:57:18] of

[00:57:18] letting

[00:57:18] society

[00:57:19] get

[00:57:20] into

[00:57:20] his

[00:57:20] head

[00:57:21] and

[00:57:21] letting

[00:57:22] his

[00:57:22] mom's

[00:57:23] opinions

[00:57:24] of

[00:57:25] Clara

[00:57:25] get

[00:57:26] into

[00:57:26] his

[00:57:27] head

[00:57:27] but

[00:57:28] by

[00:57:28] the

[00:57:28] end

[00:57:29] of

[00:57:29] the

[00:57:29] film

[00:57:29] he

[00:57:29] realizes

[00:57:31] if

[00:57:32] I

[00:57:32] don't

[00:57:32] hold

[00:57:32] on

[00:57:32] to

[00:57:33] this

[00:57:33] person

[00:57:34] I'm

[00:57:35] going

[00:57:35] to

[00:57:35] be

[00:57:35] missing

[00:57:36] out

[00:57:36] on

[00:57:36] somebody

[00:57:37] special

[00:57:37] he's

[00:57:38] able

[00:57:38] to

[00:57:39] block

[00:57:39] all

[00:57:39] of

[00:57:39] that

[00:57:40] out

[00:57:40] and

[00:57:41] to

[00:57:41] pursue

[00:57:43] a

[00:57:43] relationship

[00:57:44] with

[00:57:44] Clara

[00:57:46] and

[00:57:47] he

[00:57:48] knows

[00:57:48] that

[00:57:49] he

[00:57:49] has

[00:57:49] stumbled

[00:57:49] upon

[00:57:50] something

[00:57:51] very

[00:57:51] special

[00:57:52] and

[00:57:53] miraculous

[00:57:55] he's

[00:57:55] gone

[00:57:56] all

[00:57:56] these

[00:57:56] years

[00:57:57] and

[00:57:57] struggled

[00:57:57] to

[00:57:58] find

[00:57:58] anybody

[00:57:58] and

[00:57:59] then

[00:57:59] he

[00:58:00] meets

[00:58:00] her

[00:58:02] and

[00:58:02] he

[00:58:03] wants

[00:58:03] to

[00:58:03] hold

[00:58:04] on

[00:58:04] to

[00:58:04] her

[00:58:04] and

[00:58:05] he

[00:58:05] wants

[00:58:05] to

[00:58:05] be

[00:58:06] with

[00:58:06] her

[00:58:06] and

[00:58:07] he's

[00:58:07] able

[00:58:07] to

[00:58:07] block

[00:58:08] out

[00:58:08] those

[00:58:08] criticisms

[00:58:09] and

[00:58:10] all

[00:58:10] that

[00:58:10] societal

[00:58:11] stuff

[00:58:11] about

[00:58:12] what

[00:58:12] she

[00:58:13] looks

[00:58:13] like

[00:58:14] and

[00:58:14] all

[00:58:15] kinds

[00:58:15] of

[00:58:15] crap

[00:58:15] and

[00:58:17] to

[00:58:17] open

[00:58:19] himself

[00:58:19] up

[00:58:20] to the

[00:58:21] possibility

[00:58:21] of love

[00:58:22] and a

[00:58:23] relationship

[00:58:24] because

[00:58:25] it is

[00:58:26] scary

[00:58:26] it could

[00:58:28] go

[00:58:28] bad

[00:58:29] there could

[00:58:30] be

[00:58:30] heartbreak

[00:58:30] there's

[00:58:31] a lot

[00:58:31] of ways

[00:58:31] that it

[00:58:32] could

[00:58:32] go

[00:58:32] when

[00:58:33] you

[00:58:33] open

[00:58:34] your

[00:58:34] heart

[00:58:34] to

[00:58:34] somebody

[00:58:35] it

[00:58:35] is

[00:58:36] risky

[00:58:36] it

[00:58:36] takes

[00:58:37] risk

[00:58:37] it

[00:58:39] takes

[00:58:39] courage

[00:58:40] and

[00:58:40] it

[00:58:40] takes

[00:58:41] bravery

[00:58:41] to

[00:58:41] love

[00:58:42] in

[00:58:42] this

[00:58:42] world

[00:58:42] I

[00:58:43] truly

[00:58:44] believe

[00:58:44] that

[00:58:44] and

[00:58:45] not

[00:58:45] everybody's

[00:58:46] up to

[00:58:46] the

[00:58:46] task

[00:58:47] of

[00:58:47] it

[00:58:47] but

[00:58:47] I

[00:58:47] think

[00:58:48] that

[00:58:48] Marty

[00:58:48] is

[00:58:49] and

[00:58:52] he

[00:58:52] goes

[00:58:52] for

[00:58:53] it

[00:58:54] and

[00:58:54] he

[00:58:55] decides

[00:58:56] to

[00:58:56] block

[00:58:57] all

[00:58:57] that

[00:58:57] other

[00:58:57] stuff

[00:58:58] out

[00:58:58] I

[00:58:59] think

[00:58:59] Marty's

[00:58:59] mother

[00:59:00] is

[00:59:00] an

[00:59:00] interesting

[00:59:00] character

[00:59:01] I

[00:59:01] think

[00:59:01] in

[00:59:02] some

[00:59:03] ways

[00:59:03] she's

[00:59:03] scared

[00:59:04] to

[00:59:04] lose

[00:59:04] him

[00:59:05] the

[00:59:06] film

[00:59:06] does

[00:59:07] a

[00:59:07] very

[00:59:07] good

[00:59:07] job

[00:59:08] of

[00:59:08] showing

[00:59:09] what

[00:59:09] it's

[00:59:09] like

[00:59:09] to

[00:59:10] be

[00:59:10] an

[00:59:10] aging

[00:59:10] widow

[00:59:15] Marty's

[00:59:15] mother

[00:59:16] is

[00:59:17] a

[00:59:17] widow

[00:59:18] and

[00:59:19] she's

[00:59:19] by

[00:59:19] herself

[00:59:20] except

[00:59:20] for

[00:59:21] living

[00:59:21] with

[00:59:21] Marty

[00:59:22] and

[00:59:23] so

[00:59:23] on

[00:59:23] the

[00:59:23] one

[00:59:24] hand

[00:59:24] I

[00:59:24] think

[00:59:24] obviously

[00:59:25] she's

[00:59:25] a

[00:59:25] mother

[00:59:26] who

[00:59:26] wants

[00:59:26] the

[00:59:26] best

[00:59:26] for

[00:59:27] her

[00:59:27] son

[00:59:29] but

[00:59:29] she's

[00:59:30] also

[00:59:30] scared

[00:59:30] of

[00:59:31] being

[00:59:31] alone

[00:59:32] if

[00:59:33] Marty

[00:59:33] gets

[00:59:34] married

[00:59:34] or

[00:59:35] Marty

[00:59:35] has

[00:59:35] a

[00:59:35] relationship

[00:59:36] and

[00:59:37] starts

[00:59:37] his

[00:59:37] own

[00:59:37] family

[00:59:38] what's

[00:59:39] going

[00:59:39] to

[00:59:39] happen

[00:59:39] to

[00:59:39] her

[00:59:40] and

[00:59:42] so

[00:59:42] the

[00:59:43] film

[00:59:43] is

[00:59:43] exploring

[00:59:44] loneliness

[00:59:44] in

[00:59:45] a lot

[00:59:45] of

[00:59:45] different

[00:59:46] ways

[00:59:46] there's

[00:59:47] Marty's

[00:59:47] loneliness

[00:59:48] there's

[00:59:49] Clara's

[00:59:49] loneliness

[00:59:50] and

[00:59:50] then

[00:59:51] there's

[00:59:51] Marty's

[00:59:52] mother

[00:59:53] and

[00:59:53] her

[00:59:54] loneliness

[00:59:54] as

[00:59:57] an

[00:59:57] older

[00:59:58] woman

[00:59:58] and

[01:00:01] it

[01:00:01] I

[01:00:02] think

[01:00:02] it

[01:00:03] makes

[01:00:03] Marty's

[01:00:04] relationship

[01:00:05] with

[01:00:05] Clara

[01:00:05] even

[01:00:06] more

[01:00:06] urgent

[01:00:06] he's

[01:00:07] already

[01:00:08] 34

[01:00:11] it's

[01:00:12] hard to

[01:00:12] be

[01:00:12] alone

[01:00:13] hard to

[01:00:14] be

[01:00:14] alone

[01:00:15] in the

[01:00:15] world

[01:00:15] it's

[01:00:16] hard to

[01:00:17] not have

[01:00:17] love

[01:00:18] it's

[01:00:19] hard to

[01:00:20] like

[01:00:20] not have

[01:00:20] that

[01:00:21] support

[01:00:21] that

[01:00:22] partnership

[01:00:22] that

[01:00:23] companionship

[01:00:24] it's

[01:00:25] really

[01:00:25] hard to

[01:00:26] live

[01:00:26] without

[01:00:26] companionship

[01:00:28] that's

[01:00:28] why so

[01:00:29] many

[01:00:29] people

[01:00:29] are in

[01:00:30] relationships

[01:00:30] and go

[01:00:31] from one

[01:00:32] to the

[01:00:32] other

[01:00:32] for some

[01:00:33] people

[01:00:34] relationships

[01:00:34] just drop

[01:00:35] from the

[01:00:35] sky

[01:00:36] they're

[01:00:36] always

[01:00:37] getting

[01:00:37] in

[01:00:37] relationships

[01:00:38] always

[01:00:38] finding

[01:00:39] people

[01:00:39] and

[01:00:40] then

[01:00:40] there's

[01:00:41] me

[01:00:43] then

[01:00:44] there's

[01:00:44] people

[01:00:45] like me

[01:00:45] and

[01:00:45] Marty

[01:00:46] where

[01:00:47] who

[01:00:47] knows

[01:00:48] it's

[01:00:48] like

[01:00:48] lightning

[01:00:49] striking

[01:00:49] you know

[01:00:50] it may

[01:00:51] happen

[01:00:51] it may

[01:00:51] not

[01:00:52] but for

[01:00:53] Marty

[01:00:53] the

[01:00:54] lightning

[01:00:54] strikes

[01:00:55] and he

[01:00:56] finds

[01:00:57] Clara

[01:00:58] and I

[01:00:58] love

[01:00:59] that he

[01:01:00] doesn't

[01:01:00] let his

[01:01:01] fears

[01:01:03] stop

[01:01:03] him

[01:01:04] from

[01:01:05] pursuing

[01:01:05] a

[01:01:05] relationship

[01:01:06] with her

[01:01:07] he wants

[01:01:08] to be

[01:01:09] with her

[01:01:09] she wants

[01:01:09] to be

[01:01:10] with him

[01:01:10] why

[01:01:10] shouldn't

[01:01:10] they be

[01:01:11] together

[01:01:11] why

[01:01:12] shouldn't

[01:01:12] they

[01:01:13] explore

[01:01:13] it

[01:01:14] he's

[01:01:15] got

[01:01:15] it

[01:01:15] in

[01:01:15] his

[01:01:15] hands

[01:01:16] he's

[01:01:17] got

[01:01:17] this

[01:01:17] precious

[01:01:18] precious

[01:01:18] gift

[01:01:19] that's

[01:01:20] been

[01:01:20] given

[01:01:20] to him

[01:01:22] here

[01:01:23] is a

[01:01:23] chance

[01:01:23] for

[01:01:24] real

[01:01:24] connection

[01:01:25] here

[01:01:25] is a

[01:01:26] way

[01:01:26] out

[01:01:27] of

[01:01:27] the

[01:01:27] loneliness

[01:01:28] here

[01:01:29] is

[01:01:29] the

[01:01:29] key

[01:01:30] the

[01:01:30] key

[01:01:31] is

[01:01:31] your

[01:01:32] vulnerability

[01:01:32] the

[01:01:33] key

[01:01:33] is

[01:01:33] your

[01:01:33] bravery

[01:01:34] the

[01:01:35] key

[01:01:35] is

[01:01:35] to

[01:01:35] open

[01:01:36] yourself

[01:01:36] up

[01:01:36] to

[01:01:36] love

[01:01:37] and

[01:01:38] I

[01:01:38] hope

[01:01:38] that

[01:01:39] if

[01:01:39] I'm

[01:01:39] ever

[01:01:39] in

[01:01:40] the

[01:01:40] position

[01:01:40] of

[01:01:40] Marty

[01:01:42] and

[01:01:44] it

[01:01:45] comes

[01:01:45] to

[01:01:45] me

[01:01:46] and

[01:01:47] it

[01:01:47] presents

[01:01:47] itself

[01:01:48] to

[01:01:48] me

[01:01:48] I

[01:01:49] hope

[01:01:49] that

[01:01:49] I

[01:01:49] won't

[01:01:50] run

[01:01:50] away

[01:01:50] that

[01:01:51] I'll

[01:01:51] take

[01:01:52] it

[01:01:52] in

[01:01:52] my

[01:01:52] hands

[01:01:52] and

[01:01:53] that

[01:01:53] I'll

[01:01:53] be

[01:01:54] brave

[01:01:54] enough

[01:01:54] to

[01:01:55] love

[01:01:55] and

[01:01:56] be

[01:01:56] loved

[01:01:56] one

[01:01:56] day

[01:01:57] if

[01:01:57] I

[01:01:58] am

[01:01:58] able

[01:01:59] to

[01:01:59] have

[01:01:59] that

[01:02:00] but

[01:02:01] even

[01:02:01] if

[01:02:01] it

[01:02:50] want

[01:02:50] thanks

[01:03:01] to

[01:03:02] love

[01:03:04] that

[01:03:04] we

[01:03:04] should

[01:03:04] all

[01:03:05] want

[01:03:05] to

[01:03:05] have

[01:03:05] but

[01:03:06] we

[01:03:06] don't

[01:03:06] all

[01:03:06] find

[01:03:07] it

[01:03:07] it

[01:03:08] only

[01:03:08] happens

[01:03:09] for

[01:03:09] some

[01:03:09] of

[01:03:09] us

[01:03:10] where

[01:03:11] we

[01:03:11] find

[01:03:11] real

[01:03:12] connection

[01:03:12] deep

[01:03:13] connection

[01:03:15] and Marty learns that he has to be brave and he has to be courageous and he has to

[01:03:22] open his heart and she has to open her her heart too I love how even though

[01:03:30] they've been lonely they don't run away from it they don't get scared by it in the end

[01:03:38] they really they're open to each other and we don't know what will happen but at least they've met at

[01:03:46] least they've found each other I do think that love can be like a homecoming I really think that's

[01:03:54] how I view love it's like coming home and finding somebody who truly understands you and that's what

[01:04:04] they find it's like this beautiful love story in a way even though it's like at the beginning

[01:04:10] some it's at the beginning of a love story that could be a love story and it starts with

[01:04:19] connection it starts with emotional connection rather than just oh we looked across the ballroom

[01:04:27] and saw each other and fell in love actually they're falling in love by sharing themselves

[01:04:34] with each other and opening up about their vulnerabilities opening up about the loneliness

[01:04:40] opening up about the fears about the demons and the struggles but not in a way when they're talking

[01:04:48] in the diner it's not like well let me tell you my deepest darkest secrets and all of this in a negative

[01:04:55] way it's let me show you this hidden part of me let me show you how I feel let me show you who I really

[01:05:11] am let me give you access and really it's him being the vulnerable one because he's the one that says I

[01:05:21] you know about crying and he talks about not always wanting to be alive he's the one sharing he's the one kind of

[01:05:31] bearing his soul to her and she's able to receive it and to be moved and touched by it and to see that there's a man

[01:05:42] in front of her who is deep who is authentic and who is real he's not performing he's not putting on a show

[01:05:56] he's not trying to seduce her he's not lying to her he's not using her or misleading her

[01:06:05] he's being himself with her and maybe she's the first woman he's ever been himself with

[01:06:11] and maybe he's the first man she's been herself with and shouldn't that be what love is is that we

[01:06:17] are more ourselves with another person not less we're not hiding we're not performing

[01:06:27] we are fully ourselves with another person that's what I think it should be

[01:06:35] is being our true full authentic selves with somebody else that's what I think love should be

[01:06:43] what I think it should be based on and it's not that they don't find each other attractive or something

[01:06:51] obviously they're attracted to each other but there's something deeper going on in the interaction

[01:06:59] than just oh well I think you're attractive it's all of it mixed together and I think love is mysterious

[01:07:09] attraction is mysterious it's why you can't quantify it or even explain it or control it or contrive it

[01:07:19] or manufacture it it has to be two people choosing it and and both feeling it not one and and then the others not feeling it

[01:07:33] it's these two people who have to come together

[01:07:39] and it's mysterious and it's a mystery that I haven't really known

[01:07:46] it's like this part of the human experience that eludes me and there's nothing I can do about it

[01:07:56] but accept it make peace with it it hasn't happened yet for me I don't know what will happen I don't know

[01:08:04] if I'll meet a Marty I don't know if I'll meet somebody like that where I feel that really deep

[01:08:12] mysterious maybe transcendent connection

[01:08:16] and have it be mutual and reciprocated but I wanted to talk about it I wanted to talk about this film

[01:08:27] I'm not trying to make myself into a victim or woe is me or anything like that

[01:08:34] I just wanted to be truthful about my life and about my experiences

[01:08:41] and it is a very deep wound but I'm glad that I talked about it

[01:08:45] I do think that in sharing it maybe I lessened some of the shame about it

[01:08:51] it's just one facet of me it's just one part of my life

[01:08:55] I think I went through a period where it became all of me

[01:09:00] where I didn't know how to like get past the pain of it

[01:09:04] and the rejection and just feeling so unlovable

[01:09:09] but I think I've made some strides toward

[01:09:13] finding more peace and acceptance with it

[01:09:17] and yeah and I think this film maybe was part of it

[01:09:23] I just love seeing them connect with each other

[01:09:28] and it just shows you that it's never too late

[01:09:32] and you never know when love could find you

[01:09:34] you never know when it could happen

[01:09:38] I would never close myself off to it

[01:09:40] I don't think we should

[01:09:41] I don't think we should close ourselves off to love

[01:09:45] but I also can't sit around and wait for it

[01:09:48] and I can't fall apart over it

[01:09:52] and I can't be desperate for it

[01:09:54] because I think desperation can be very dangerous

[01:09:58] I have to find wholeness within myself

[01:10:01] and I have to love myself regardless of what happens

[01:10:07] in that area of my life

[01:10:10] but this was a beautiful film

[01:10:12] it made me feel seen

[01:10:13] made me feel less alone

[01:10:16] and that's what I tried to do with this episode

[01:10:19] I hope that somebody comes across it

[01:10:22] when they need to find it

[01:10:23] and maybe they'll feel less alone

[01:10:25] in the process of listening to it

[01:10:29] I love this film

[01:10:31] and I'm glad that I was able to talk about it

[01:10:34] and share everything that I felt

[01:10:36] thank you for listening

[01:10:38] until next time

[01:10:40] keep watching great films